Wishcraft: The Ring Of Toltiir (v2.1) by Gregg Sharp ===== based on characters and situations from Takahashi Rumiko, Fujishima Kosuke, and others. C&C welcome, send to Greggsharp@aol.com SCENE: The Tendo Dining Hall. A new ramen dish has been brought over from the Nekohanten for testing. "Ranma no baka!" Akane glared at Ranma. "How dare you flirt with Shampoo!" "No, Akane, it's not like that." "Airen, Shampoo make special ramen for you to try!" "How dare you ignore Akane like that, Ranma!" "Oh dear, oh dear." "Akane Tendo, I would date with thee." Ranma fidgeted, turning the odd rune covered ring in his hands over and over. Things were going in the old familiar pattern, and he was really getting fed up. Cologne's eyes grew large at the sight. "Ranma, where did you get that? I thought it was safely put away in my room!" "Oh so, now you're raiding Cologne's bedroom? Pervert! Hentai! Peeping Tom!" Akane pulled her mallet out of hammerspace. Cold water splashed Ranma, triggering the usual Juusenkyo change. Ranma's fist launched Happosai, a temporary solution at best. Another hole in the ceiling. Kasumi smiled. There would be a call to that rather nice young repairman tomorrow, and she made a mental note to make some cookies. Nabiki looked at the hole and was hoping Kasumi would make cookies. The guy who was doing repairs nowadays charged much less when Kasumi cooked for him. Shampoo moved in towards Ranma again. Akane lifted her mallet and was moving for the same target. Cologne moved across the room at her best speed, but there were too many bodies in the way. The ring was part of her latest arsenal of tools to fix up Shampoo and future-son-in-law, but the dangers were great when using wishes, especially with THAT ring. There was a sudden image in Ranma's mind. *CONDITIONAL ACCESS APPROVED. CHOOSE OPTION: 1. That's enough! I wish you knew what it was like having to live with these Jusenkyo curses! 2. Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me? I wish you would just believe me. 3. Why me? I wish I was far far away from all this madness of Juusenkyo curses and multiple fiancees. 4. Why me? I wish someone else had to deal with this Juusenkyo curse and all these other problems. 5. Akane, I wish you knew what it was like dealing with _my_ problems. 6. I wish you'd stop doing that uncute stuff. 7. Aughhh! I wish you'd all just go away! 8. Aw, Akane, I wish you were more reasonable. 9. At times like this I wish I'd been engaged to one of the other daughters. 10. I wish all this insanity would stop.* Images of all the usual suspects, family members, and their various allies and enemies flitted through Ranma's mind. "Uhm. Number one?" He was about to say that he thought that was a really twisted option. Cologne was still reaching for the ring when she abruptly vanished. Ranma glanced around. The house was suddenly quiet, a state Ranma could not ever remember it being in. What the heck? A quick search of the house and he turned off a burner in the kitchen and Happosai's iron just as a "silky darling" was beginning to smoulder. "This isn't like Happosai, it's certainly not like Kasumi." He turned his attention to the old ring. "You did this somehow, didn't you?" *YES.* The word just seemed to flow into his mind. "Well, bring 'em back." *CAN'T. WISH HAS TO RUN ITS COURSE, PLUS ALLOW RECHARGING TO OCCUR.* "You..." Ranma's voice trailed off. It didn't say it wouldn't, but that it couldn't. "So what are you anyway?" *I'M A CURSED WISHING RING FROM AN ANCIENT OTHERWORLDLY GOD OF MISCHIEF NAMED TOLTIIR THE JESTER, A LORD OF CHAOS.* "And Cologne had you, huh? I guess I don't need to ask what the heck she had you for..." *AFTER CHECKING ALL CONDITIONS, LIMITATIONS, AND QUALIFIERS, SHE WOULD HAVE WISHED THAT YOU AND SHAMPOO WERE WED AND BACK IN HER AMAZON VILLAGE. SHE ALSO PUT PASSION SPICE IN TWO OF THE BOWLS OF RAMEN, HAD A PAIR OF ENCHANTED WEDDING RINGS READY, AND A POTION WHICH WOULD HAVE TURNED AKANE INTO A LESBIAN.* "Eeeeewwwww. Except Happosai raided the panty drawer, this wish ring fell out, and I found it." *YES.* "That was close." *NO, THIS HAD TO HAPPEN THIS WAY. MANIPULATION OF EVENTS IN THIS MANNER REQUIRED AS PART OF OPERATING ENCHANTMENT AS DEVELOPED BY ORIGINAL CREATOR. SORRY ABOUT THIS. BY THE WAY, THE PASSION SPICE BOWLS WERE MISMARKED AND NABIKI AND KASUMI GOT THEM. THE WEDDING RINGS ARE IN YOUR FRONT HALLWAY, AND THE POTION WAS STOLEN BY HAPPOSAI WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A STRENGTH POTION.* Ranma blinked. "Huh. Good thing they hadn't started eating yet. So how did you get a gig as a ring, I mean I thought you were kind of a computer, but computers don't apologize." *TRUE, I WAS GRANTED A WISH MYSELF BY ANOTHER DEVICE. AS SOMEONE IN DUBIOUS HEALTH WHO MAINLY WANTED TO HELP OTHERS IN HIS LIFE, I WISHED THAT I COULD HAVE A JOB LIKE THAT. IT WAS JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH BUT THE GODDESS IN QUESTION GRANTED THE WISH ANYWAY.* "So what was with those options?" *HAVE TO DO THIS THAT WAY. CONSTRAINTS OF THE DEVICE. CONSIDER IT A PROGRAM, ONLY AFTER THE PROGRAM RESTRAINTS HAVE COME OFF CAN I INTERACT WITH ANYONE TO ANY REAL DEGREE.* "Where'd everyone go and for how long?" *I WILL ASCERTAIN.* A brief pause. *IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE AT JUUSENKYO.* "AUGHHH!" Ranma clenched a fist and wanted to hit something. The only problem was that the only one available was cursed even worse than he was. *LOOKS LIKE THIS IS ESSENTIALLY A MASS TELEPORTATION SPELL.* "How long," Ranma repeated. *A FEW WEEKS I THINK. WELL, AT LEAST YOU'VE GOTTEN A BREAK FROM THE USUAL GOINGS-ON.* "At least?" *I CAN'T REALLY TELL, IT DEPENDS ON HOW CAUGHT UP THEY BECOME IN THEIR NEW LIVES. I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF POWER LEFT, DID YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH ANYONE IN PARTICULAR?* There was the sensation of someone shrugging. *WHAT CAN I SAY? I AM NOT AN OMNIPOTENT GENIE, HECK I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING THIS THAT LONG.* "How could I guess you were new at the job?" *ALLRIGHT ALREADY, THIS WAS ONLY MY SECOND WISH. IT ENDED UP BETTER THAN THE FIRST ONE, AT LEAST! I DON'T HAVE MUCH POWER ON MY OWN, AND I'M CONSTRAINED BY THE NATURE OF THE RING.* Ranma smiled. The "genie" sounded a little bit like himself. "So, how soon can we check on them?" *WILL BE ABLE TO DO A BASIC SCRYING RIGHT NOW. JUST TELL ME WHO, HOOK ME UP TO A TV ANTENNAE, THEN TURN THE SET ON.* "Do you think you'll be doing better at this if you get more wishes?" *YES. I CAN INFLUENCE THE OUTCOME MORE WITH PRACTICE. THERE'S A COUPLE OF PROBLEMS, THOUGH.* "God of Mischief set the parameters, got it." *YEAH.* There was a brief pause. *POWER LEVEL TOO, THE MORE PEOPLE IT AFFECTS OR THE BIGGER THE CHANGE, THE MORE POWER IT TAKES. ALSO, I CAN'T BE USED SPECIFICALLY FOR PHYSICAL INJURY OR KILLING. THE WISH MUST CAUSE A SINGLE OR SINGLE SET OF ALTERATIONS IN REALITY. THESE WILL OCCUR WITH THE MINIMUM AMOUNT OF ENERGY USED. IT TAKES A LOT OUT OF ME, BUT I CAN DO THE ALTERNATE TIMELINE THINGS, LIKE 'WHAT IF GENMA HAD VISITED THE TENDOU DOJO PRIOR TO THE TRIP TO CHINA' OR SIMILAR THINGS WHERE THE ENTIRE TIMELINE IS ALTERED. THOSE TAKE A LOT OF POWER, THOUGH. A WISH TO DO SOMETHING MINOR, LIKE 'I WISH AKANE WOULD SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE' I COULD DO AND RECHARGE IN A FEW HOURS. ALTERNATE TIMELINES COULD TAKE OVER A YEAR, DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH WORK IT IS. SOME WOULD BE COMPLETELY BEYOND MY ABILITIES.* "No matter what, though, it's gotta be funny. That's your main program, kinda." *WELL, TOLTIIR WAS WORKING WITH TAKAHASHI AT THE TIME, SHE'S THE GODDESS OF BIZARRE ROMANTIC SUBPLOTS, SO IF IT INVOLVES THAT SORT OF THING THEN IT CAN BE NOT SO MUCH FUNNY AS WISTFUL OR SYMPATHETIC.* "Great. And Cologne was trying to figure out how to use you on me." Ranma considered pitching the ring down a well or something. The guy inhabiting the ring wasn't a bad fellow though, and spending a few centuries in the dark and alone while waiting for the ring to be unearthed would not be pleasant. Besides, he might need to make another wish to fix the last one. The ring remained silent for a moment. *YOU ARE MUCH BRIGHTER THAN YOU LET ON.* "Hey, nobody who masters the Art can be a dummy, particularly the special manuevers." Ranma shrugged. "So who got hit with this stuff anyway." *THE TENDOUS (AKANE, KASUMI, NABIKI, SOUN). SAOTOME GENMA. SAOTOME NADOKA. THE KUNOS (PRINCIPAL, KODACHI, TATEWAKI). KUONJI UKYOU. HAPPOSAI. COLOGNE. MOUSSE. HIBIKI RYOUGA. SHAMPOO. KONATSU. KURENAI TSUBASA. SASUKE. ONO TOFU.* "Uhm, how many weeks do I have before they get back?" *CAN'T BE SURE. AT LEAST THREE DAYS, IF THEY COME STRAIGHT HERE. RYOUGA MAY BE ABLE TO GET HERE THROUGH INTERACTION WITH HIS SENSE OF DIRECTION CURSE, BUT NOT BEFORE THAT. EVERYONE ELSE WILL REQUIRE AT LEAST THAT LONG. QING HAI PROVINCE IS NEAR TIBET, BUT IF THEY HITCH A RIDE THEY CAN CUT THEIR TRAVEL TIME CONSIDERABLY.* "I think, I better be gone by the time they get here," Ranma nodded. "That sounds like a really good plan, yep." *I CAN MANAGE A QUICK GLIMPSE AT WHAT HAPPENED AT JUUSENKYO. JUST DON'T EXPECT MUCH.* Ranma found the TV, hooked the ring around the antennae, then turned the set on. A wavering picture gradually took form. Welcome to this night's edition of "Ranma Knows Best" NARRATOR: "as we saw in the cliffhanger from last year, that crowd from Nerima had just discovered themselves in Perilous Waters." GROUP SCREAM:"AUuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" AKANE: "Ranma you jerk!" Ryouga tried to grab Akane on the way down, but was knocked aside. He hit a pool and managed a cry of despair and a monstrous bellyflop. One by one the various characters slam into the waters, Cologne managing to use her staff to remain above the water until a panda slams into her and she takes the plunge. Genma managed to use the moment to arc over to the muddy bank, where he becomes the landing spot for Mousse a moment later. A tourist standing nearby unfortunately falls into another spring due to the various shockwaves and an attempt to avoid the plumes of water currently coming down over the cursed spring area. A stocky Chinese guide came out of his hut, looking thoroughly disgusted. "Not seen this much problem since American tour group waterfight here. What heck? Skydivers? No see plane." Having seen weirdness aplenty in his time, the guide shrugged and got his rubber gloves and bamboo poles out. With the air of one long practiced in this sort of thing, he started pulling the victims out. "Let's see that one 'Spring Of...' Never mind sirs, it take too damn long. Many cursed spring here, all have terrible tragic story, all have curse where you change in water. Hey, I recognize you, you fall in here before. Never met anyone who like it so much they come back. Well there was that Tarou guy." "NOOOOO!" Akane fingered the front of his muscular masculine chest. His blouse had ripped open from the sudden expansion, and his skirt revealed very muscular legs. "Akane, are you all right?" Akane looked over and saw P-chan running around in a little circle. There was Her body over there, and talking to her was a woman in a kendo outfit. "What do you mean calling me Akane? I..." The woman who looked exactly like Akane looked down at herself and screamed. "Spring of drowned Akane," intoned the guide as he splashed hot water on the other Akane. Even after being turned back, Ukyou looked like she was in shock. "Spring Of Drowned Black Piglet." P-chan abruptly turned into Happosai. "Oh oh. I'll never eat pork buns again." Inwardly he was gloating, this meant that _he_ got to sleep with Akane. Akane stood still for the quick splash of hot water, then sighed in relief as she reverted to female. There was something that bothered her about there being a "Spring Of Drowned Black Piglet" but she refused to think about that now. "Spring of Drowned Girl," said the guide as he turned Tatewaki Kuno back into being a boy. "Spring Of Drowned Duck," a very subdued looking Kodachi Kuno. "Spring Of Drowned Duck," Mousse changed from duck back to normal. Well, at least as normal as Mousse ever got. "Spring Of Drowned Child," Soun was still crying about it. "Spring Of Drowned Panda," Nadoka gave Genma a glare as she turned human again. "Spring Of Drowned Panda also," Genma turned back and gave his best innocent impression. It didn't work this time either. "Spring Of Drowned Rat," Cologne had a glare that could set forest fires. The first person who said she looked like a drowned rat... "Spring Of Cat also, hey you familiar." "Shampoo has fallen in the same pool twice," Cologne nodded. "Spring Of Drowned Ferret," Sasuke looked embarrassed. "Oh very bad." The guide pointed at two in a fenced off area. "Those two fall in Very Worst Cursed Springs area. Personality altering pool area." Akane was not very surprised to see it was Kasumi and Nabiki. the image faded. Ranma moaned and covered his face. The ring was silent, its' power temporarily depleted. Things did not look at all pleasant. ----------------------------------- notes: this is the rewrite of the Ring story, originally attempted as something just amusing as there are a lot of people out there, much better at telling the Sweeping Epic Story. i've cut out some parts and fixed the ending, hopefully getting to the various points that needed to be addressed. Oh, one more thing, this is _not_ a self-insertion fic. Shades, Brad, Zen, and the others originally in the story do not resemble me in the slightest and have none of the physical/medical problems that make my life misery. Comedy in a UY vein. PART 2: I DREAM OF KASUMI Kasumi watched the crackle of the fire and fingered the cross she often wore. The past few days had been even more chaotic than the vast majority of times she had seen since Genma and his son had come to call a few short years ago. One set of disasters after another, and now this. She had liked, really liked, Dr Tofu. She'd pretty much given up on him due to his complete inability to deal with her presence, but she'd still had a thin amount of hope. Now she knew that relationship wouldn't go any further. This latest in the series of bizarre events had taken him from her, and she was still feeling a bit numb from it all. She remembered the little speech by Cologne. "This is all the fault of that damn ring," Cologne managed as she wrung water out of her garment. It still smelled like wet rat. "What ring?" Cologne looked up to see that everyone had immediately surrounded her, anxious for some explanation of what had actually occurred here, and why now EVERYONE had some sort of Juusenkyo curse. "The Ring Of Toltiir, an ancient ring of a forgotten god of mischief, which was recently found by some adventurers and brought back to the Amazon Village as a prize. It was sent on to me for inspection, and was stolen recently with a number of my underthings." A brief RPG-style CG image appears of four amazons in SD mode crossing a landscape and entering a cave. A little blue box appears that reads "Found Ring Of Toltiir, each party member gains 300xp." "AUUGGHHHH! I knew that couldn't have been Shampoo's lingerie when I saw..." Happosai slowed down at the number of glares he was getting. At least six of the people there were building up battle- auras. "Shampoo no wear bra, silly pervert." "So this is YOUR fault!" Akane's ki summoned forth her mallet. "Once again," Nabiki snarled. "Now you've gotten me into this Juusenkyo mess too." Kuno had been wanting to hit someone for quite some time, and was overjoyed to have found a target. Ukyou felt the same way. Kasumi had turned her attention elsewhere, though even Kasumi was ready to do SOMETHING to the little old pervert. One should practice forgiveness, it was true, and she'd always been very spiritual in nature- mere physical or monetary considerations being so ephemeral. That didn't mean that deep down, on a purely visceral level, that she didn't want to drop kick Happosai into the Musk Dynasty where he'd most likely end up as sweet & sour pork. "As I was saying," Cologne said a few moments later. "Ranma found the ring somehow and must have activated it while Akane was yelling at him. The ring responded by placing us here." "It's some sort of wish ring, then?" Ryoga, permanently male and human again, was feeling happier about Ranma than he had in a very long time. Now, maybe he could pursue Akane (though her image kept changing to Akari's in his mind.) "Yes, but more a _want_ ring. It takes whatever it perceives you wanting, then comes up with a number of wishes that _might_ give the desired result. Then the victim, I mean wielder of the ring, can choose one of the options and gain that particular wish." "But being the creation of a god of mischief, none of the results are going to work out." Nabiki nodded. "Figures." Kuno was still thinking about getting his hands on a working ring that granted wishes and missed this statement. Not that he would have heeded the words anyway. "Well, I _did_ always want to meet Ukyou," said a burly 6'10" man as he flicked a lock of purple hair back from his face. "That reminds me," Cologne fixed the strange man with a slitted gaze. "Who are you?" "I'm Zen," said the Southerner. I got here through a Cursed Deck of Ani-mayhem cards. I ended up in King Kai's Bungalow." Kasumi poked the fire with a stick, glancing over at the strange travelling companions. There were much fewer of them left. The Amazon Village had been the worst disaster. "We'll just stop here briefly, get supplies, and move on." "You may try," Cologne said with a puff on her pipe. "Neither I nor Shampoo will continue on at this point. There is some business that we must attend to while we are here. Mousse?" "I will remain here as well." Nobody was really surprised, but that was three down of the original group. The amazon village was primitive by some standards, which was what got Tatewaki into trouble. A few comments about the poor primitive barbarians, and he found himself challenged. Currently in male form, he started raving about how he would allow the challenger to date with him if she won. Kuno Tatewaki had been knocked down and was about to be dragged off to a life of slavery when Tofu caught the eye of another villager. That was disaster, as the spear-carrying amazons came rushing up to block anyone from helping Tofu. Unfortunately for him, Tofu managed to hit the accupressure sleep spots on his first opponent. Four others dragged him down and he was given the "kiss of marriage" a few moments later. Konatsu, Sasuke, and Principal Kuno met very similar fates in short order. (The first two becoming slaves, Dan managed to get in a lucky punch and knocked out his opponent. Whether it was good luck or bad luck was mainly a matter of perception. The Principal apparently tried to give a particularly long-haired amazon a haircut, and had joined his son. Without much choice, they'd had to leave the village. Shortly after all this, Kodachi flew off, a black duck, trying to make it to Japan under her own power. Nabiki realized that Kodachi wouldn't get there, and pointed out that she was heading into the sunset. Ryouga got lost while crossing a stream. Tsubasa had hidden inside a garbage can in one of the other villages, unfortunately discovering that the garbage was transformed via a philosopher's stone. Somehow the idea of lugging a coldcast porcelain statue of Tsubasa through the wilderness didn't appeal to anyone, and the general consensus was he'd end up a broken man. Eleven now were left. Ranma watching the TV, saw the worry crushing down on Kasumi. The camera played over them. "Who will survive?" The announcer sounded like the somewhat annoying announcer from "Hokuto No Ken" -Ranma frowned at the thought. That was _not_ a happy series and he hoped this wasn't an omen. Images of each of the characters popped up with a text message at the bottom. "Kasumi Tendou, Juusenkyo Curse: Spring Of Drowned Hentai" "Soun Tendou, Juusenkyo Curse: Spring Of Drowned Child" Soun was asleep and in child form. "Nabiki Tendou, Juusenkyo Curse: Spring Of Drowned Drunk." Like her father, Nabiki had apparently gotten splashed recently. Her face was flushed and she was sprawled out over a few backpacks. "Akane Tendou, Juusenkyo Curse: Spring Of Drowned Man." Akane was in her normal form, but snarling in her sleep. "Happosai, Juusenkyo Curse: Black Piglet." Happosai was pretending to be asleep and was watching Akane. "Zen, for once lucking out as saiyajin are not affected by the curses of Juusenkyo." Zen was wrapped in his black duster style coat, sound asleep. "Nadoka Saotome, Juusenkyo Curse: Spring Of Drowned Panda." She had the sword between her and her husband. "Genma Saotome, Juusenkyo Curse: Spring Of Drowned Panda." "Ukyou Kuonji, Juusenkyo Curse: Spring of Drowned Akane." Ukyou was asleep by her spatulas, which were obviously arranged for quick access. Ranma watched the screen fade. Disengaging the ring from the TV, he thought about what he had seen. "Hey, ring, anyway to get them out of that fix?" *ONE, YOU COULD WISH THAT ANOTHER ARTIFACT WAS HERE. THAT _IS_ WITHIN MY POWER LEVEL. THE LAMP OF THE ANTI-DJINN NEGATES THE EFFECTS OF ANY SINGLE WISH. THERE ARE A FEW OTHER ITEMS THAT COULD SIMILARLY ALTER THE PAST, HAPPOSAI'S MIRROR FOR EXAMPLE. TWO, YOU COULD WAIT TILL THE END OF THE WEEK THEN SIMPLY WISH FOR THE EFFECTS OF THE FIRST WISH TO BE CANCELLED OUT. * "Waitaminnute. Could you cure my curse?" *JUUSENKYO CURSE FIXES ARE POSSIBLE. MIND YOUR WORDING OF THE WISH VERY CAREFULLY AND REMEMBER MY LIMITATIONS.* "How's your power level now?" *CONTINUING TO CHARGE. ROUGHLY ONE MAJOR WISH PER WEEK, MINOR EFFECTS LIKE USING THE TELEVISION AS A SCRYING DEVICE POSSIBLE WITHOUT MAJOR DRAINING OF THE MANA POOL. ANOTHER TWO DAYS REQUIRED BEFORE I CAN DO A WISH. THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE THE TELEPORT WAS FAIRLY SIMPLE.* "I see." Ranma was deep in thought, something that usually was interrupted by a fiancee, Happosai, or some other disaster. He didn't usually get this much peace and quiet. "How much detail can you get when scrying, anyway? Like there's some stuff I've never been able to figure out on my own." *RANMA, I DON'T COMPLETELY KNOW MY OWN LIMITS. I HAVEN'T BEEN A MAGIC RING FOR VERY LONG. ALL I CAN DO IS TRY. THAT SAID, I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT HERE, AND WILL DO WHAT I CAN FOR YOU.* "Why are you being so helpful, anyway? I understand you're a human who was turned into the magic spirit inside the ring, but I seem to remember some stories about evil spirits always being in rings." The ring actually seemed to give a long painful sigh. *RANMA, YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH PROBLEMS, DON'T YOU THINK? YOU'VE GOT FOUR CURSES, SEVEN FIANCEES, AND GENMA SAOTOME FOR A FATHER. YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH AKANE TENDOU, WHICH IS PRETTY PAINFUL IN AND OF ITSELF.* "Four curses? Wait a minute, SEVEN FIANCEES?" *GENMA HAS NOT EXACTLY BEEN A WONDERFUL FATHER NOW, HAS HE? OH, YES, AS A MAGICAL RING I CAN SEE THE CURSES QUITE CLEARLY. THERE'S YOUR AILUROPHOBIA - A NATURE SPIRIT POSSESSION THAT PRODUCES THE CAT-FIST TECHNIQUE. THERE'S THE "MAY YOU LIVE IN INTERESTING TIMES" CURSE. THERE'S THE JUUSENKYO CURSE THAT TURNS YOU INTO A YOUNG GIRL. FINALLY THERE'S THE WATER MAGNET CURSE, THAT'S ONE RELATED TO THE JUUSENKYO CURSES.* "So THAT'S why I'm a water magnet. Akane doesn't get splashed nearly as often." *HER CURSES ARE RELATED TO HER INABILITY TO LEARN TRADITIONAL FEMININE SKILLS AND ALWAYS ATTRACTING THE WRONG KIND OF BOYS.* "Figures, her cooking is a curse." Ranma sat back down and regarded the ring. "How come we got all these curses anyway?" *WHO'S THE FOUNDER OF THE ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL ARTS?* "Happosai." Ranma covered his face with one hand. "You mean that any practitioner of this brand of kempo gets curses up their..." *NO. ANYONE WHO IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO MASTER IT OR CONSIDERS THEMSELVES A MASTER WILL ATTRACT A LOT OF CURSES. HAPPOSAI MADE A _LOT_ OF ENEMIES, RANMA, AND SOME WERE PRETTY POWERFUL.* "So it's all that old lech's fault." Ranma popped his knuckles. "Well, at least now I know some of it." *RYOUGA'S DIRECTION SENSE IS AN ANCESTRAL CURSE, DEALING WITH NEVER KNOWING A HOME. IT'S GOTTEN A LOT WEAKER OVER THE CENTURIES, BUT IS STILL FAIRLY POTENT.* "Wonderful," Ranma said sarcastically. "What about those cursed cards things?" *THINK OF MULTIPLE UNIVERSES. HERE'S A DECK OF TRADING CARDS FROM ONE OF THOSE 'MAGIC-THE GATHERING' TYPE GAMES. THE PROBLEM IS THAT THESE ARE MAGICAL AND CURSED. THE LOCATION CARDS TAKE YOU TO THE LOCATION DESCRIBED ON THE CARD ITSELF. THE CHARACTER CARDS TURN YOU INTO THE LOOKALIKE OF THE CHARACTER OF THE CARD, ALMOST AS IF YOU'D TAKEN A DIP IN ONE OF THE SPRINGS. DISASTER CARDS SUMMON SOME PROBLEM TO YOU. ITEM AND EQUIPMENT CARDS BRING THE THING DEPICTED INTO YOUR SPACE, OR A REASONABLE FASCIMILE. SHIELD AND FLASH CARDS DO SIMILAR THINGS BUT ARE EVEN SHORTER TERM.* "So he's stuck wandering through various universes, looking for a way home, eh?" Ranma thought he understood, he'd seen a TV series like that the other night. *ZEN DREW A CHARACTER CARD WHEN HE AND THE OTHER WANDERERS WERE FIGHTING AN EVIL SORCERER. NOW HE LOOKS ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE AN INDIVIDUAL NAMED 'TRUNKS' AND HAS ENORMOUS CHI POTENTIAL.* "Okay. Let's get back to this 'Six Fiancees' thing. What did Pop do NOW? How much detail can you give me?" *QUITE A LOT ACTUALLY. YOU WANT TO KNOW THE PLUSES AND MINUSES AS I CAN SEE THEM?* "Yeah. I don't even know why I keep getting into these problems. Unless it's another curse." Ranma sounded a little depressed. *YOU WANT THE FIANCEE PROBLEM FIXED? MARRY ONE. USE A WISH AND MARRY MORE THAN ONE, OR USE A WISH TO MAKE ALL BUT THE ONE YOU CHOOSE FIND SOMEONE ELSE. THE MAIN CAUSE OF THE PROBLEM HERE HAS BEEN YOUR LACK OF A DECISION. NOW, ABOUT YOUR POTENTIAL CHOICES, I'M ABLE TO SCAN THINGS PRETTY THOROUGHLY AS LONG AS THEY'RE WITHIN ABOUT A MILE OF THE RING.* Behind Ranma the TV flicked on. Akane's image appeared on it. The TV Akane looked a little startled, as she could see and hear what was going on quite clearly. *FIRST, THERE IS AKANE TENDO. ON THE PLUS SIDE YOU CONSIDER HER TO BE CUTE, ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE SMILES.* Akane looked quite startled and her mouth closed with a snap. *SHE IS ALSO IN THE SAME MARTIAL ARTS STYLE AS YOU AND IS ATTRACTED TO YOU THOUGH SHE HAS THE SAME PROBLEMS DEALING WITH HER FEELINGS AS YOU YOURSELF DO, RANMA.* Akane flushed slightly and shook her head denying it. Ranma still wasn't looking at the TV and didn't notice. *ON THE MINUS SIDE, SHE'S VIOLENT, GIVEN TO EXTREME MOOD SWINGS, AND DOESN'T BELIEVE OR LISTEN TO YOU.* Akane shook her head and was yelling (though for some reason the sound was turned off on the TV) about how it wasn't her fault that he was such a pervert. *SHE CONSIDERS YOU TO BE AN INSENSITIVE JERK AND A PERVERT, THOUGH SHE HAS TENDENCIES TOWARDS LESBIANISM HERSELF, WHICH MAKES HER A PERVERT BY HER _OWN_ STANDARDS...* Akane looked around the campsite and now almost EVERYONE was bigsweating. Her father broke that off to go into yet another Soun Tendo Wail #3 "Now the schools will never be united." *BUT ALSO LIKES YOU ON A DEEPER LEVEL. JUST ADVICE, MIND YOU, BUT EITHER USE A WISH TO GIVE HER BETTER CONTROL OVER HER TEMPER OR DUMP HER BEFORE SHE "ACCIDENTLY" KILLS YOU. AS A PLUS, YOUR MOTHER LIKES HER, AND THE TWO HAPPOSAI DISCIPLES SUPPORT THE ENGAGEMENT.* The image on the TV changed, with Akane's picture becoming a tiny square on the lower right. Now revealed was another of the fiancees who was just as startled to be getting such a spotlight. *UKYOU KUONJI. NICE GIRL, COMPARED TO YOUR OTHER FIANCEES THIS ONE IS A TOWER OF SANITY.* Ukyou grinned and considered sticking her tongue out at Akane. *WELL, RELATIVELY AT LEAST. GOOD COOK, THOUGH SHE OVERSPECIALIZES WITH HER OKINOMIYAKI. ON THE MINUS SIDE...* Ukyou looked pensive. *SHE RELIES OVERMUCH ON HER WEAPONS AND TENDS TO OTAKU HERSELF- FOCUSSING ON ONE THING SO MUCH SHE LOSES SIGHT OF EVERYTHING ELSE. ALSO ON THE NEGATIVE SIDE IS THAT YOU ARE SO INTO HER AS A FRIEND, AND FOR SO LONG, THAT SHE IS MORE YOUR SISTER THAN A POTENTIAL WIFE.* "Yeah, Ukyou's my pal," Ranma agreed. Ukyou looked hurt. *UNLIKE MANY OF YOUR FIANCEES, UKYOU SEES YOU AS A PERSON- NOT AN OBJECT OR ONLY SEEING ONE FACET OF YOU. ANOTHER DRAWBACK IS THAT SHE DOES HAVE HER SNEAKY MOMENTS AND HER SENSE OF HONOR ISN'T QUITE UP TO YOUR STANDARDS. AGAIN, JUST ADVICE, BUT YOU COULD DO A LOT WORSE THAN UKYOU. JUST BE SURE TO TRAIN HER TO USE OTHER WEAPONS AND FIGHTING TECHNIQUES OR SHE'D BE KILLED WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE YEARS DURING THAT UPCOMING FIGHT WITH THE...SORRY, CAN'T REVEAL THAT.* Ukyou and Ranma both made a mental note to start crosstraining the okinomiyaki chef. Ukyou's image became a little square next to Akane's. The two figured out how to glare at each other. Shampoo (in cat form) was now the main image. Thankfully for Ranma, he still didn't know the TV was on. He felt a slight chill, but put it down to the situation. *SHAMPOO OR XIAN PU. ON THE PLUS SIDE, A GOOD COOK, SHE'S IN EXCELLENT SHAPE, AND IS SMARTER THAN SHE LETS ON.* Shampoo looked rather surprised, but was quickly figuring out what was going on. *SHE ALSO IS SEXUALLY INSATIABLE, BUT I'M NOT SURE WHETHER YOU WANT TO COUNT THAT A PLUS OR MINUS.* Now Akane and Ukyou did the big sweatdrop trick. *ON THE DEFINITE MINUS SIDE SHE'S OF A CULTURE THAT HAS A MORAL AND HONOR STRUCTURE UNLIKE WHAT YOU ARE USED TO. SHE ALSO USES POTIONS AND HAS A VIOLENT STREAK. FURTHER, SHE VIEWS YOU AS A TROPHY HUSBAND, MORE PROOF OF WHAT A GREAT AMAZON SHE IS. ADVICE, IF YOU'RE GOING AFTER SHAMPOO, USE A WISH TO MAKE HER A NICER PERSON AND CURE HER OF HER CAT FORM.* Shampoo meowed but the sound was still turned off. Her image shrunk and became the lower right square. The image now was of the Black Rose in her human form. *KODACHI KUNO, WHO CONSIDERS HERSELF YOUR FIANCEE, REALITY NOTWITHSTANDING.* Ranma gagged slightly. *IN FAIR PHYSICAL SHAPE. HAS SOME COOKING SKILLS BUT COULD YOU REALLY TRUST ANYTHING SHE COOKED? INSANE, USES DRUGS AND CHEMICALS, HAS THAT INSANE LAUGH, AND IS RELATED TO THE REST OF THE KUNOS. DID I LEAVE ANYTHING OUT?* "No, I think you got the basics." The Black Rose's picture moved to rest atop Akane's. Neither Akane nor Kodachi looked happy about this. *KAORI DAIKOKUJI. GOOD OVERALL COOKING SKILLS, MUCH CUTER AND A SNAPPIER DRESSER THAN KODACHI.* Kodachi looked mortally offended. Kaori looked pleased. *IN MOST SITUATIONS, HER FIGHTING SKILLS ARE WORSE THAN TATEWAKI KUNO'S. SHE GAVE UP ON YOU ONCE, BUT WAS PLANNING A REMATCH. COOKING SKILLS ARE LESS THAN UKYOU OR SHAMPOO.* "Ugh." Ranma looked ill. "I still can hardly believe that my old man traded me for a fish, a bowl of rice and two pickles." *YOHKO HARENCHI* An image appeared of a girl with long hair, wearing a leather outfit and carrying a whip. she appeared to be standing on a rooftop. Kaori's image was now the square above Ukyou's. Neither were happy about this. "Her, I don't know." *YOUR FATHER MADE A DEAL WITH HER FATHER WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER. IF HE EVER HAD A SON, THEN YOHKO WOULD MARRY THAT SON. IN RETURN, GENMA WAS ABLE TO GET OUT OF JAIL FREE.* Back at the campsite, Genma was attempting to sneak off. The sound of a katana sliding from its case impelled him to exchange stealth for speed. *SHE'S JEALOUS, DOMINATING, OBSESSIVE, AND INTO S&M STYLE MARTIAL ARTS, PARTICULARLY USING WEAPONS LIKE HER WHIPS AND CHAINS. SHE'S BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR THE PAST YEAR, RYOUGA TOLD HER ABOUT YOU ONCE WHEN HE WAS LOST AND TO HER THE IDEA THAT YOU CAN CHANGE SEX TO BE AN ENORMOUS TURN ON.* Everyone except Yohko looked disgusted. Yohko merely smiled an evil sadistic smile and fingered her whip. Her image shrank to a small square and filled the last place on the second row. Another image came up, of a well dressed young woman with long hair. *BIIKO DAITOKUJI IS ANOTHER CASE OF YOUR FATHER MAKING A FIANCEE DEAL WITH SOMEONE'S FATHER. THIS WAS FOR SHIP PASSAGE. BIIKO WAS RECENTLY SOLD INFORMATION ABOUT YOU BY NABIKI.* Nabiki, now awake and sober, spread her hands wide and shrugged. *AS BIIKO DOESN'T LIKE GUYS BUT FINDS YOUR GIRL FORM TO BE BOTH SEXY AND DESIRABLE, MARRIAGE TO YOU WOULD BE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE AND ALLOW HER TO INDULGE HER TASTES. HAVING ONE'S CAKE AND EATING IT TOO...* Ranma gagged. It should be noted that Akane and Ukyou looked a little green as well. *SHE'S INTO MECHA, ELECTRONIC RESTRAINING DEVICES AND THE LIKE.* "Next!" Ranma realized he'd have to eat later and didn't want to even think about this girl. *MARIKO TAKAOKA.* A woman with shoulder length hair and a haughty expression was the new main image. *DIRTY INFIGHTING MARTIAL ARTS. IF THERE'S A WAY TO DO SOMETHING NASTY AS A REPLY, SHE'LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING EVEN WORSE AND USE _THAT_. CAN BE COUNTED ON TO TEAM UP WITH YOUMA GIVEN HALF A CHANCE. CONSIDER HER PERSONALITY TO BE A COMBINATION OF THE WORST ASPECTS OF KODACHI AND NABIKI. WANTS TO MARRY YOU SO SHE CAN CONVERT THE TENDO DOJO INTO A "HOUSE OF ILL REPUTE."* "What's that mean?" Everyone at the campsite facefaulted as they heard Ranma's question. Except Ryouga who was wondering the same thing himself. *IT MEANS SHE'S AN ASSASSIN AND MORE MERCENARY THAN NABIKI, BESIDES SHE HATES THE TENDO FAMILY FOR A SLIGHT COMMITTED THREE HUNDRED YEARS AGO AGAINST HER OWN FAMILY.* "Oh," Ranma said. Revenge he understood. A devastatingly attractive young woman in shinto priestess garb was the next one appearing on the television. She was deep in meditation before a roaring fire. *KOTONO MITSUBISHI. YOUR FATHER WAS HIDING FROM A GROUP OF OUTRAGED FEMALE MARTIAL ARTISTS AFTER STEALING WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS A SCROLL ON SECRET MARTIAL ARTS TECHNIQUES. HE PROMISED THE SPIRITS OF THE SHRINE ANYTHING, IF THEY WOULD CONCEAL HIM FROM THOSE WOMEN, PARTICULARLY AFTER HE HEARD SOME OF THEIR PLANS AS TO WHAT TO DO WITH HIM WHEN HE WAS CAUGHT. HE WAS HIDDEN, AND MARRIAGE TO THE SPIRITS' CHOSEN CHAMPION IS THE PRICETAG.* Genma was running from the campsite now, and giving serious thought to the possibility of not stopping until he reached safety. Maybe Tibet. "What was actually in the scroll?" Ranma had to know. *AN ANCIENT LOVE LETTER BETWEEN THE CHILDREN OF TWO CLANS OF WARRIORS DURING THE EDO PERIOD. MIND YOU, I'M NOT 100% SURE, BUT THAT'S WHAT THE SPIRITS ARE TELLING ME.* "Figures." *SHE'S A GENTLE SOUL, CUTE, AND HAS SOME MYSTICAL ABILITIES AS BOTH AN ESPER AND SOMEONE OF A SUPERNATURAL ORIGIN. ON THE DOWN SIDE, SHE ALSO SPECIALIZES IN WEAPONS. HAVING RECENTLY LEARNED OF YOUR EXISTENCE, SHE HAS ALSO LEARNED OF YOUR CURSE AND VIEWS YOUR FEMALE SIDE AS A DEMONIC SPIRIT POSSESSION AND IS GOING TO BE TRYING TO CURE YOU OF THAT EVERY TIME SHE SEES YOU.* "Cure me of my curse, or no, cure me of this possession? Well, that's something to worry about when she gets here. Anyone else?" *WELL, HOW ABOUT THE OTHER TENDO GIRLS? YOUR PARENT'S AGREEMENT AFFECTS THEM AS WELL, AND THEY MIGHT HAVE ENDED UP BEING YOUR FIANCEE.* "Naw, Kasumi's got Dr Tofu, and Nabiki's never been interested in anything but money." *NOT QUITE CORRECT IN EITHER CASE.* "Huh?" Ranma thought about this. "What do you mean?" *NABIKI TENDO. REMEMBER HOW SHE WAS INTERESTED IN BEING WITH A CUTE BOY AT THE BEGINNING? PART OF HER FOISTING YOU OFF ON AKANE WAS HER REACTION TO THE EXTREME DISAPPOINTMENT IN FINDING OUT YOU WERE A GIRL. PART OF HER INVOLVING YOU SPECIFICALLY IN ALL THOSE EXTORTION SCHEMES AND OTHER PLOTS WAS JEALOUSY DIRECTED AT YOU AND AKANE.* "Jealous? Nabiki? Are you sure you're talking about the same Nabiki Tendo?" The image on the television was a very startled looked Nabiki, who wasn't sure she wanted to listen to this. She was also beginning to redden significantly. *SHE'S VERY VULNERABLE EMOTIONALLY, RANMA, HER KEEPING THE ENTIRE WORLD AT ARM'S LENGTH BY ACTING THAT MERCENARY IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM, MUCH AS YOUR BICKERING WITH AKANE IS PART OF YOUR DEFENSE MECHANISM. THOUGH SHE CONVINCED HERSELF OTHERWISE, THE REASON SHE BROKE UP YOUR WEDDING TO AKANE WAS BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY.* Akane looked thoughtful. Nabiki looked like she wanted to crawl under a rock if she could find one of the right size. *SHE'S ALSO KEPT A NUMBER OF PICTURES OF YOU IN YOUR MALE FORM, JUST SELLING THE ONES OF YOU AS A GIRL, OR DIDN'T YOU NOTICE THAT SHE TOOK PICTURES OF BOTH FORMS?* "Yeah, but...she's _kept_ them? Why?" *LATE NIGHT FANTASIES.* Nabiki started looking for a bigger rock. Akane glared at her sister from across the campsite. *OF COURSE, THERE'S THREE SHE'S MISSING THAT KASUMI TOOK.* Nabiki stopped looking for a rock and started staring at Kasumi. Akane facefaulted. "Kasumi?" Kasumi's startled picture replaced Nabiki's. *HAS BEEN LUSTING AFTER YOU FOR QUITE SOME TIME. SHE'S BEEN DRIFTING AWAY FROM DOCTOR TOFU DUE TO TOFU'S INABILITY TO DEAL WITH HIS OWN FEELINGS. BESIDES, DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN WHO ARE STRONG SILENT TYPES NORMALLY HAVE ENORMOUS SEX DRIVES?* Kasumi found herself wishing that she'd spent more time in martial arts training. Ninjitsu would be good. The ability to suddenly disappear was very attractive right now. Everyone else in the campsite was simply petrified. *THIS IS WHY FALLING INTO THE SPRING OF DROWNED HENTAI HAS ONLY MINOR EFFECTS, AND THEN ONLY FOR A FEW MOMENTS. SHE'S USED TO HAVING CONTROL OVER A SEX DRIVE THREE TIMES WHAT HAPPOSAI'S IS.* "Good lord." Ranma twitched. The sentiment was being echoed all over a certain campsite. "No wonder she seemed so out of it so much of the time. That must have been terribly distracting." *THAT AND HER FOCUS IS SPIRITUAL, WHERE NABIKI IS MATERIAL AND AKANE IS EMOTIONAL. THE THING IS THAT NOW BOTH NABIKI AND KASUMI ARE BEGINNING TO REALIZE THAT AKANE AND YOU MAY NOT BE THE BEST OF MATCHES.* "Oh my." Ranma winced as he realized he'd just quoted Kasumi. The image on the screen flicked showing a pair of individuals. The woman was short, slender, and wearing an outfit that looked like Kasumi's usual sort of clothing. The guy was Huge, a gaijin, and dressed in construction clothes. *THEN THERE'S HIKARU SUGAYUBI, HOUSEKEEPER MARTIAL ARTS, AND RICHARD LYRON.* "I know Richard, he's one of the construction workers that comes by all the time to fix things up. He's got a crush on Kasumi, don't he?" *ACTUALLY KASUMI REMINDS HIM OF HIKARU. HIKARU WILL SEE YOU AS HAVING ALL THE THINGS RICHARD DOESN'T HAVE. RICHARD WILL SEE HER GOING AFTER YOU, AND WILL WANT TO CAUSE YOU SEVERE PAIN.* "He's nearly twice my height, but he's slower than Akane." *HE'S BEEN LEARNING CONSTRUCTION STYLE MARTIAL ARTS. NOT IN YOUR CLASS, PERHAPS, BUT HE'S A BETTER FIGHTER THAN MOUSSE. GIVEN TIME, HE'D EVENTUALLY GIVE UP ON HIKARU AND START PURSUING NABIKI.* "Well, I guess...AHHHHGGGHHH!" Ranma glanced up and saw all the little square pictures on the television. Some of whom were glaring at him or at other pictures on the screen. Trembling slightly, he hit the volumn control. "Ranma no baka!" "Ranma-honey, I think the ring's made it clear, I'm your best choice here." "Meow! Meow!" "Ranma-darrrrrlliiinng!" . "Quack!" "Ranma, I _will_ make you mine!" "Both a boy and a girl, huh? Where did you say you were?" "Ohohohohohoho. Ranma, I shall show you the pleasures of the female form." "I SHALL DESTROY YOU TENDOS!" Kotono, still in deep meditation, did not add her input. "I don't suppose you'd accept a bribe to stop doing this?" "Oh dear, oh dear, oh my." "Genma, get your fuzzy butt back here, and explain this!" "SAOTOME! What kind of loose morals did you instill your child with!" "You're going to steal my Hikaru?" "What do you mean _your_ Hikaru, baka!" Ranma touched the off button on the television and sat down shaking. "Maybe a nice long training journey before they get back..." Ranma reached for the phone, still shaking. "Ucchan's is out, Nekohanten is out, Ramen Rider isn't open at this time, Sailor Burger is too expensive, maybe..." Ranma punched in the number. He knew the takeout place a few blocks away... "Hello, Goddess helpline..." *UH-OH.* "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH" THE "ORIGINAL" CHARACTERS: ZEN: Anime fanfic writer, Dirty Pair fan, struggling with the El-Hazard ability to generate chi-shields. Was turned into a saiyajin when he ventured into Dr Weelo's library in his journeys and drew a character card- adolescent Trunks- so that he now physically resembles the character depicted on the card. RICHARD LYRON: Oh come on, can't you see some of the repair people developing relationships with Nabiki and Kasumi off-camera? Richard is intended as one such possible, who probably knows the dojo quite well after having to fix so much of it. Probably gives them a discount for keeping him out of the madness. Character is based on some misconceptions of what an American really looks like that I ran into in Japan. (Americans are all really tall blonde guys, etc.) Uses Engineer-style martial arts. HIKARU SUGAYUBI: A nice young girl who has a martial arts style dealing with the various tools found in a typical household, esp the kitchen. One of the few people who can actually hurt Richard, though it is more from emotional impact than physical. KITCHIRI: Goddess third class, limited license, probationary status. Goddess of Punctuality. Very orderly, very inexperienced, very prone to explosive temper tricks. Currently working over in the Divine Retribution Office (DRO), though she had applied for Goddess Relief Office. RING OF TOLTIIR: Ring grants wishes, sort of. Problem #1: the wish will be twisted in such a way that it is worse than the original condition or so that there is a hidden cost. Problem#2: the ring automatically scans the ringbearer and comes up with a number of options based on the ringbearer's desires and innermost feelings. Problem #3: at least one of the options will be really really bad. RING OF TOLTIIR III: LEAVE IT TO 'BIKI Toltiir, Lord Of Chaos, extremely powerful supernatural entity, patron of practical jokes, jests, and quips, looked into the Tendo training hall and felt his humor slip slightly. "Everything was going according to plan, then SHE has to show up," he mumbled. "This isn't YOUR doing, is it?" An oriental woman looked back at the black cat and sneered. Though in power levels she was a covered wagon competing against a Galaxy class starship, she managed to put on a facade of bored contempt. Takahashi, goddess of Bizarre Romantic Subplots (Second class, Limited License) assured her partner that everything was going as planned. She did not say WHOSE plan, an omission that Toltiir noted and duly filed away. Ranma stared at the woman who had suddenly appeared in the room. "Who the heck are YOU? You're not engaged to me are you?" "I am Kitchiri, goddess third class, limited license, probationary status. Pleased to meet you." She bowed. Ranma realized that she was too young, anyway, not more than fourteen if that. "I am not engaged to anyone." "Good," Ranma sighed in relief. His mind finally caught up and he froze again. "Goddess?" "Yes, I'm with the DRO!" She held up one fist and smiled. "DRO?" "Divine Retribution Office. I'd applied for the Goddess Helpline, but didn't quite cut the entrance exam. So, I'm glad you called, but what I'm really here to do is do some divine justice." "Uh, oh." Ranma backed up. "It's not my fault!" "Huh? Oh I'm sorry, you don't fit the description anyway. No, I'm here for someone named Hibiki Ryouga. Have you seen him?" "What has Ryouga done?" Ranma was puzzled, he could see them coming after Happosai or his father, but Ryouga? "Oh goody, you DO know him. There was a complaint against him for having a martial arts battle on sacred ground, particularly after he used his 'Breaking Point' technique. His punishment will be truly something horrifying." "Well, what are you going to do to him?" The fourteen year old goddess had an evil smile. "He will be subjected to a really bad foot rash." Ranma blinked. "That's all?" Kitchiri looked sad. "That's not enough?" Ranma now addressed the ring. "Hey look, she's got nearly as much experience in her job as you do in yours." *THANKS A HEAP.* "Oooh. The Ring Of Toltiir. This looks very bad." Kitchiri was smiling, but the look in her eyes was troubling. "I'll have to do something about that!" *DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELF ON MY ACCOUNT.* Ranma left the ring on the table and went into Stealth mode. Maybe he could just quietly get out of town now and miss the rush. "Oh, Mister Saotome!" She briefly started acting kawaii. Maybe it was the sparkly aura or the soft focus lighting that suddenly surrounded her. "I've got to go now, you just please call this number if my victim, I mean, Ryouga should show up..." "Uh huh." Ranma looked at the phone number. Twenty-four digits? "This is long distance, isn't it?" "It's toll free, don't worry about it." She smiled. "Oh, and I wouldn't lose that number if I were you." "No?" Thunder cracked somewhere nearby. "The vengeance of heaven is slow but sure..." "Sounds like Kuno," Ranma mumbled. Glancing back, he noticed the girl had gone. "Great, just great." He knew with absolute certainty that she hadn't gone far. ------------------------- The most feared woman in Nerima, a monster who sold out her own family on numerous occasions, destroyed her sister's wedding, and had gone totally Machiavellian in the past two years, was just glad it was over. She now went from sober to falling- down-drunk with a splash of cold water. Everyone here knew that she'd been especially harsh to Ranma, not because of her sister not being ready for marriage, but because she lusted after Ranma herself and had been jealous. Now the main group (nobody had seen Kodachi or Ryouga for over a day now) was almost to Japan. Nabiki, Ukyou, and Kasumi, having also split off from the group, had found themselves all on the same flight. They would reach the dojo ahead of everyone else, having realized this was a race. She shuddered for a moment and wondered what would have happened if she'd fallen in the same pool as Kasumi. Ranma wouldn't have been safe, that was for sure. As it was... The ring, though, that beckoned to her. Nabiki knew she'd be able to use the thing and make everything work out. She was the only one she trusted to make the intelligent decision here. She _had_ to be the first one to reach the thing. Idly she wondered about the others. What would they wish for? Tatewaki was easy, he'd simply wish that Akane and his pig-tailed girl would fall in love with him. Akane no doubt knew that and would kill the would-be samurai before the first word was said. Akane would probably wish for her curse to be removed. Nabiki thought it likely that she'd wish she'd never heard of Ranma, or had never been engaged to him. Nabiki glanced over at her sister. Kasumi, on the other hand, was a mystery. What Kasumi would wish for? Not that she'd get the chance. Kasumi's shopping money had almost been exhausted by the airline tickets. Nabiki seperated herself from the others quickly. She had enough for a taxi. That ring would be hers! --------------------------- "Raaaanmaaaa!" Ryouga had found the Tendo dojo. There was a woman with Ranma, how dare he cheat on Akane? "You're Ryouga, aren't you?" The woman smiled. "Uhm. Yeah," Ryouga said. Why was Ranma waving his hands and shaking his head wildly? "Oh goodie." The woman reached out and touched Ryouga. "DIVINE RETRIBUTION!" Ryouga slammed into the compound wall. "Huh! What!" "Good," the woman said, nodding. "That curse should work quite well. Bai Bai." "Curse?" Ryouga managed from where he was sitting. The woman faded away in a teleport effect. "Curse?" Ranma started looking him over. "I don't see anything obvious. I wonder what..." "No." Ryouga managed to look horrified. "She couldn't have..." "You don't suppose she reinstated your Juusenkyo curse, do you?" *FIFTEEN MINUTES TO FULL CHARGE.* "What happened to the time you needed to charge up?" Ranma asked. *EXTRA MANNA BEING DISCHARGED BY THE GODDESS. WAS ABLE TO USE IT TO SPEED RECHARGE RATE ENORMOUSLY.* "Got it." Ranma motioned to the house. "C'mon, Ryouga, I'll fix some tea, you can figure out if you're P-chan while we're doing that." --------------------- Kasumi watched as Nabiki's taxi roared off. "Oh dear." A slight rumble overhead betrayed another storm front coming in. A moment later, Ukyou raced by. Kasumi shrugged, quietly went to the bus stop, and waited. She was sure one would be by soon, and she could catch up with Nabiki then. ------------------ Akane watched the waves crashing over the bow and bent his arms anew to the task. He appreciated the greater strength in his male form, though it also seemed slower and less responsive than the female form. He'd also found out exactly how sensitive one particular area was to being hit. She'd hit Ranma there a few times and had briefly felt some newfound sympathy. On the other oar was Zen, who was apparently tireless. That saiyajin near-inexhaustible stamina was handy at times. Akane glanced over at the fellow. He had been moderately upset at finding that Ukyou had snuck off during the night. Nadoka was sleeping, having been one of the first group to man the oars. Nadoka because she needed to work out the anger she had for the missing Genma. Akane's knuckles tightened on the oar he held. When he got ahold of that baka, he was going to do some serious injury to him. How dare Ranma do this to his family or even to his own fiancee? Now he had a matching curse... Akane's eyes widened as some thoughts occurred to him. Matching curses... Zen broke the silence. "What do you want to bet that your sister's racing for the ring right now?" Akane growled, a blue aura beginning to form. He wasn't happy with either sister right now. "I wonder what Nabiki is planning to wish for? Wealth? Power? Ranma?" For a brief moment, Akane stopped still. He then redoubled his efforts with the oar. If one listened, you could hear the word "baka" being repeated over and over again. ---------------------------- Ranma and Ryouga were doing something quite unusual. They were talking. There were no attempts to unleash chi blasts, no veiled (or not so veiled) threats, no bandanas being thrown or masquerades enacted. Perhaps the unusualness of the situation is why someone could sneak into the room, then pounce on the ring lying in the center of the table. Nabiki raised the ring above head and shouted to the heavens. "I wish I were the richest woman in all of Japan!" *FIVE MINUTES REMAINING UNTIL FULL CHARGE.* Nabiki swore. Especially when both Ryouga and Ranma started laughing. Nabiki turned to walk away, only to find Ryouga was now in front of her, hand out and palm up. She glared at him. "And what do YOU want?" "Why the ring you've got in your hot little hand, Nabiki." Ryouga smiled and showed a fang. "With that I can make a wish that I never get lost again." "Or I could wish that nobody had any Juusenkyo curses." Ranma spoke up from behind her. *FOUR MINUTES UNTIL FULL CHARGE.* The voice that wasn't a voice paused. *YOU DO REALIZE, NABIKI, THAT WISHING THAT PARTICULAR WISH WOULD NOT BE THAT INTELLIGENT.* "Why not?" Nabiki had thought it over and decided simple was best with this sort of thing. *YOU'D FIND YOURSELF MARRIED TO SHUTARO MENDOU, OR FIND THAT A PLAGUE HAD WIPED OUT ALL OTHER JAPANESE WOMEN, OR THAT ONE OF THE OTHER DEFINITIONS OF THE WORD 'RICH' HAD BEEN USED.* "Oh." Nabiki noticed that Ranma had used his Amaguri-ken technique to snatch the ring from her hand. *THREE MINUTES UNTIL FULL CHARGE.* Akane walked in the door, largely breathless. Seeing Ranma holding the Ring, she charged in. "Raaaaaanmaaaaaa Noooooo" "Akane!" Ranma almost squeaked. Akane slammed Ranma's hand with an oversized spatula, and the ring flew out the window. Everyone blinked in shock as Akane threw a small spatula into a waterpipe. "Whash you do thaa ffor," mumbled Nabiki. The first gush of cold water had immediately struck the three still in the kitchen. "Ukk-yo, thash not fair." "Bweee!" "Ukyou? Ukyou!" Ranma-chan watched as someone who looked like Akane raced for the backyard where a voice that wasn't a voice managed to break in with a notice that there were two minutes now remaining. Ukyou, in her cursed Akane form, snatched the ring up and leapt for the wall. She could never outrun Ranma, she well knew. All she had to do, though, was remain for two minutes with the ring and she could wish for something wonderful. It was for HIS good as well, she rationalized. Ranma and P-Chan were behind her, and that caused a moment of panic. She didn't see Ryouga and the only P-Chan she was currently aware of was Happosai. Just the thought of Happosai making a wish was enough to make her nauseous. -------------------------- At the beach, that thought had occurred to a few others. "Ah, the beach, where normal girls throw away their inhibitions and become barely clad goddesses! Would that I had time to sample, but I must hurry to the Tendo dojo and my destiny!" "Zen thinks that girl about to pop right out of her top." Zen pointed past the evil lech and towards a volleyball game. Happosai ignored the simple distraction. "And who are you to stand in MY way, you don't look like a martial artist." Happosai noticed the stance wasn't one he was familiar with, though it seemed fairly close to one or two others he knew of. "Makkankoupousou!" A chi blast that strongly resembled a drill bit shot towards Happosai. "Nice try, my boy." Happosai leapt over Zen and continued at high speeds. No way he was going to be late for this! Zen realized that the charge time on Piccolo's armor-piercing attack was too great. Other measures were called for. Besides, almost anyone who'd ever watched Ranma had wanted to punt Happosai's behind around some. "DODONPA!" Happosai glanced back and saw what looked like Ranma's Mouko Takabisha coming his way. It had to travel sufficient distance that he easily avoided it as well. Zen smiled as the energy built between his hands, he had the little prick right where he wanted him. ------------------------------- Akane RAN. She left behind the others quickly, and knew how important time was at this juncture. Zen, the odd guy who'd seemed to know all of them, had volunteered to help slow down Happosai. They knew the important things, of course. Neither the Blue Thunder or the Old Freak were to get their hands on the ring. Kuno had been wording possible wishes on the trip over, some of which were quite capable of inducing nightmares. Happosai had been even worse, just looking at various individuals and chortling evilly. ----------------------- Dodge, weave, leap, spin, duck, twist, feint, run. Ukyou was being pursued by Ryouga _and_ Ranma. Ducking out of sight, she doubled back. *THIRTY SECONDS TILL FULL CHARGE.* She reached the compound and looked around. Telling herself that it was all for Ranma's good, she peeked over the roof, making sure that they were still out of sight. Not good, she noticed the far-off leaping figure of Ranma, who had apparently figured out that she'd gone back. *TEN SECONDS.* Ukyou lifted the ring up. Ranma would't make it back in time to take this away. *SEVEN SECONDS.* This would work. She had planned this for some time now. The wish would have Ranma's other fiancees find other relationships more meaningful, more appropriate, and more fulfilling. With all of them leaving Ranma for greener pastures, they would be happier and Ranma would be down to the only fiancee that truly loved and trusted him. Of course, AKane and Shampoo might have argued that last point, but Ukyou had no doubt in her own mind about it. *THREE SECONDS.* Her hand was abruptly slapped, sending the ring ricocheting off a wall. Ukyou's gaze snapped from the ring to Nabiki, who was in the process of leaping after it. *FULL CHARGE ATTAINED.* The two began wrestling. Ukyou was far more skilled, and Nabiki was still drunk. The outcome was never in doubt. Before both startled sets of eyes, Kasumi held up the ring and regarded them. *CONDITIONAL ACCESS APPROVED. 1. I Wish that I had married Ranma. 2. I Wish that I had married Dr Tofu 3. I Wish that Mother had not died. 4. I Wish that I were a greater martial artist than any of you. 5. I Wish that Ranma and his fiancees could all get along better. 6. I Wish that I had magical powers sufficient to fix the damage always occurring here. 7. I wish that Nabiki and Ukyou would make love not war. 8. I wish Akane would be nice to Ranma. 9. I wish that Akane would be more feminine, Nabiki would be nicer, Shampoo were less violent, Father would get a good paying job, Ranma would think before he spoke, Uncle Saotome would get a conscience, and Ukyou would find a nice boyfriend of her very own. 10. I wish that the last wish's effects were cancelled.* Nabiki and Ukyou turned green the moment option seven was given. Kasumi, on the other hand, simply smiled a little smile. The ring flew out of Kasumi's hands now. Ranma landed a moment later, but Ryouga was already clutching the ring. "Oh my." "Ryouga, give me that back!" *CONDITIONAL ACCESS APPROVED 1. I wish Akane loved me and only me. 2. I wish Ranma would get lost. 3. I wish Ranma were dead. 4. I wish I were freed from turning into P-chan! 5. I wish that I didn't get lost so often. 6. I wish that the last wish's effects were cancelled. 7. I am thirsty. Make me a milkshake! 8. I wish I were a better martial artist than Ranma. 9. Since I've got Akari, I wish that Ranma and Akane will be married and live happily ever after. 10. I wish that Ranma and I had never met.* "Sweating now, Ranma?" Ryouga laughed. "Which one shall I choose?" "Don't do it, Ryouga." Ranma shook his head. "It isn't worth it. Any wish that the ring grants is cursed, twisted by its nature. Any gift it gives you is a gag gift." "A likely story." Ryouga avoided Ukyou's attack easily, and the lunge from Nabiki that followed it. "Get HIM!" Ukyou managed to grab Ryouga this time, Nabiki and Kasumi latching on a moment later. Ranma fell backwards, idly kicked by Kasumi in her struggle. To see Kasumi struggling like this was a shock. What was _her_ motivation, she'd never been greedy like Nabiki or violent like Akane. He was about to get involved personally when he noticed the cat. "Sh-sh-shampoo?" "Meow." "AIIGGHHHHHHHHH! C-c-c-cat!" Akane plummetted out of nowhere to grab Ryouga's arm in the struggle. "Ryouga, stop it!" "Meow!" "I wish..." Ukyou yelled, thinking that contact with the person holding the ring might be enough. "that" Akane started in, the same thought occurring to her. "Ranma was married to me!" "Meow!" Ranma looked in horror, realizing that five women had chosen the same option at the same time. *GRANTED* Ranma's scream of anguish echoed over Nerima for a good five minutes. Kasumi, Nabiki, Ukyou, Shampoo and Akane looked at each other, startled. "Uh oh," came from five throats at the same time. -------------------------------------- end chapter three. RING OF TOLTIIR IV: RYOUGA'S REVENGE by Greggsharp@aol.com what's come before: Cologne has planned to use a wishing ring to cause the wedding of Shampoo & Ranma. Due to the ring being an artifact of a god of mischief, it was stolen by Happosai during a panty raid on the Nekohanten. Ranma found the ring, and was about to be hammered by Akane for being a pervert when the ring went off. Everyone else went on a trip to Juusenkyo, Ranma found out some info about the Ring Of Toltiir, and the ring slowly recharged itself to grant a wish just as a major wrestling match for the ring occurred. "I wish..." Ukyou yelled, thinking that contact with the person holding the ring might be enough. "that" Akane started in, the same thought occurring to her. "Ranma was married to me!" "Meow!" Ranma looked in horror, realizing that five women had chosen the same option at the same time. *GRANTED* Ranma's scream of anguish echoed over Nerima for a good five minutes. Kasumi, Nabiki, Ukyou, Shampoo and Akane looked at each other, startled. "Uh oh," came from five throats at the same time. so in a way, it looked like Cologne did get what she wanted... Ryouga smiled at Ranma, showing a fang which glinted triumphantly in the setting sun. "Got you BEST!" Ryouga chuckled. All the martial arts battles, all the "Die Ranma" attacks, and now he had finally gotten a revenge on Ranma that would cause his rival all sorts of problems. "R-r-Ryouga?" Ranma looked more than a little panicked. "What?" "I was the one actually holding the ring, Ranma. When I heard them saying that, I saw my chance for Vengeance! I used option number five! HAHAHAHAHA!" Ranma paled. "But..." "The option? It was: 'I wish that these five young ladies were ALL married to Ranma and that THEY would live happily ever after as good Chinese amazons. You'll be a second class citizen forever! BWAHAHAHA!" Ukyou grabbed the ring away from Ryouga. "Hey you messed up crackerjack prize, how can he possibly be married to FIVE WOMEN!" "Oh my." "Actually, Shampoo, that was my line." Kasumi did a double take, Shampoo had returned to human form. Cologne's walking stick struck the ground to get everyone's attention. "Excuse me, but do any of you actually FEEL married?" A faint series of images, the equivelant of a whisper finally made itself felt. *damn that was exhausting.* Ukyou squeezed the ring but didn't notice any effect. "What did you do, dammit!" *the ring always uses the least amount of power necessary for a wish to come true. this used up quite a bit of power. i think it's going to be awhile before i can communicate much so please listen up. there was a change made in the past, with repercussions stretching through till now.* "What-did-you-do!!" Ukyou was gritting her teeth. She liked Akane to some extent, but being married to her was completely out of the question. Even less so was Shampoo or Nabiki. Oddly, she realized that the thought wasn't as repellant as she would have thought it would be. "It doesn't matter what that trinket did," Cologne remarked with slitted gaze. She didn't realize that the change had been in the past of the Amazon Village. "Look at your hands!" There were a few yelps as the five wives did so. Nabiki pulled a jeweler's loupe out of somewhere and was examining her ring with a certain degree of greed. "Those are cursed wedding rings, an ancient amazon treasure dating back over four thousand years of Chinese Amazon culture! The rings can never be taken off, and there will be other effects soon enough." "Ranma no baka!" Akane was still trying to pull hers off. It seemed to slide along just fine until it reached the knuckle, but then just stopped as if it had suddenly welded itself to the skin. "Solid gold, coiled dragon motif, little emerald eyes, is that a fleck of ruby in the mouth for the tongue? Ahhhh." Nabiki wondered how much it would sell for if she could get it off. "Great grandmama, I no longer cat!" "Of course, child. If you were in your catform you couldn't wear that ring. Now as your husband, he has other wives. They will have to go through the Rite Of Induction into the tribe," Cologne shrugged, "but we could use some new blood anyway." "No way this could be common among the amazons, could it?" Ranma looked for Ryouga, who seemed to have taken the distraction in order to get himself lost again. This showed uncommon sense on the part of Ryouga, as there were six people present ready to pound him into an unrecognizable heap at the moment. (Not counting Cologne.) "Ha. Son-in-law, men surviving life among the Amazons are rare. It is a harsh life, where the males must prove their stamina and strength daily doing all the menial tasks that women assign them. Many die or run away to the outside world. Since a marriage match normally will only occur when a man has defeated a woman in single combat, and men of the village are not typically allowed to learn fighting skills (Hidden Weapons, Drunk Fu, and a few other minor disciplines being the exceptions) - how do you suppose we keep the number of amazons up? The man may be a servant to his wives, but one man can serve a number of women..." "Oh no." "Oh my." "Ukyou, that was _my_ line." "Oh, right. Sorry Kasumi." "Of course, due to the rarity of the number of men who can actually defeat a Chinese Amazon in battle, _and_ that someone who can do so is at least a potential threat, one husband for several wives is the usual arrangement. After all, if the male gets too uppity, the women can then gang up on him and beat the fight out of him." "Ranma, you pervert, did you plan this?" Ranma was just shaking his head over and over again, this could not be happening. Absolutely could _not_ be happening. "So what do these rings do, anyway?" Akane decided to ignore Ranma. The little pervert was withdrawing into himself so much that she wouldn't waste the effort to hammer him. He probably wouldn't notice at this point anyway. "Are you familiar with wedding vows, child? Imagine them being magically enforced." "You mean..." Akane looked nauseous. "In sickness and health, etcetera." Nabiki winced. It wasn't the "for richer" part that caused the sudden stomach upset. "Oh my." "Uhm, Nabiki, that's _my_ trademark line." Nabiki quietly handed 10 yen to Kasumi. "To love and to cherish," Ukyou noted. "So why is Ran-chan over there acting like a heroin addict going cold-turkey?" *might i say something?* "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DID THIS!" Akane yelled at the ring, bringing her mallet into play as she slammed the ring with a berserker fury. "OW! AKANE!" Ukyou held her throbbing hand. She had, of course, still been holding the ring at the time. "Some people say Shampoo not clever, but what about hammergirl, then?" "Are you _trying_ to say something you Chinese bimbo?" Akane was still emitting battle aura, a nice pale blue in color. "Violent girl say Shampoo not smart because Shampoo not very good at learning barbaric language like Japanese? You try speak Chinese, see how well you do. That not point, though. Where is magic ring now?" "Uhmm." Akane glanced at Ukyou's empty hand, which had turned all red and was still showing the imprint of a hammer's business end. "The ring, Akane," Nabiki managed. She found a hot water tap and restored her sobriety. Even with a blood alcohol level in excess of legally drunk, she had still realized that Akane had just pulled one of those STM (Stupid Thoughtless Moves) that her overly emotional sister sometimes did. "Oh my." "AKANE! That is MY line!" Kasumi sighed. This wasn't going well. Maybe she should put some hot water on. The storm was still threatening to unleash and she did NOT want to get wet. Especially with her Juusenkyo curse. Cologne was looking over Ranma. "Well, well, son-in-law, what IS wrong with you? Oh yes..." "Looks like he's in shock." Cologne nodded. "I'd just realized that he's being hit with all the force of Chinese Amazon Law and our customs. Most men of the tribe are somewhat afraid of the women, and rightfully so." "Oh my," said Shampoo, Akane, and Nabiki. "Would you all please cut that out," Kasumi held her head in her hands. "This has not been a good day." ************** Happosai snickered, he'd ducked away from the chi-hurling martial artist and was getting closer to making his most perverted dreams come true. As it was he'd had plans for this, yes, with an actual Wish he'd be able to fix something. He'd made a wish to be healthy forever, and this had gotten him to the considerable age of 300. Had he known that the Pool Of The Djinn would only grant one wish for any particular individual, he would have chosen a better wish. Eternal youth, now there's the ticket. Hopping to the top of a train, Happosai smiled and watched the scenery speeding by. He was undecided, but could see the possibilities. Would he wish for eternal youth? That his touch act as the Spring Of Drowned Pretty Lady? That he were irresistable to members of the fair sex? Or merely to have several young ladies fall in love with him, so that he could indulge in things more pleasurable even than panty raids? Lust dimmed his awareness of his surroundings as he gave vent to Evil Laugh #7 (World Conquering Villain Evil Laugh[tm]). In the train below, a figure looked up as the maniacal laughter was heard. He would not fight while the train was in motion, but come the next stop... Zen smiled. ************** "Ranma's still pretty out of it," Akane noted. She looked out and noticed he was still in the yard, and still twitching. "Ran-chan..." Ukyou said softly, her concern for Ranma cutting through the weirdness of the situation. "Look Ranma's right hand," said Shampoo. Everyone noted that his right hand was slightly swollen and reddish, just like... Ukyou glanced at her own hand and then at Ranma's hand. She then turned and glared at Cologne, which of course had no effect. Cologne had been glared at by people who were far more expert at glaring than Ukyou. "What _I_ don't understand, new daughter-in-law..." Ukyou winced. "...is how son-in-law got the 'wife' ring and you are wearing the 'husband' ring." "Aiyaaa! Shampoo no notice she wearing wrong ring too." "One moment, Cologne. Is the implication here about mutually shared pain?" Nabiki stepped inside the porch as the first few raindrops began to come down. "And pleasure, yes." Cologne shrugged. "What can I say, it has served admirably in the cases of reluctant couples. The rings join the husband and wife, where they must be physically near each other, and where the hurts and happiness of one is visited upon the other. Ah the true terror of the Cursed Wedding Rings. I just don't remember there being so many of them." Ranma stood at the doorway. "Uhm, anno." "Ranma no BAKA!" Akane's mallet struck out, slamming Ranma back into the yard. It didn't really help the situation, but she always felt better for having done it. At least that was how it usually worked. Ukyou slowly dropped from where she'd been imbedded in the ceiling. It seemed that the force had been duplicated exactly, but not everyone had gone in the same direction. Shampoo re-entered the dojo from the same hole she had made during her sudden exit. She, of course, immediately started looking for "stupid hammer girl." Ukyou checked two figures nearby. Nabiki was out cold. Using her battle spatula, Ukyou started prying Kasumi out of the wall. Akane stumbled into the room, holding her head and mumbling something about how the shrine bells were ringing so it must be a festival day, ne? Shampoo cracked her knuckles. "Oh you don't want to do that, Shampoo." Cologne said in an oddly quiet little voice, taking the moment to light her pipe and settle back to watch the fun. "Very bad you do that." "Akane the baka here." Shampoo slapped Akane repeatedly in a Chestnut Fist manuever. Meanwhile, in the yard, Ranma tried to get up but something invisible started slapping him around. Only Cologne was paying any attention at the moment, however. "Akane, let me explain how I feel about that damn hammer trick of yours." "Akane, to your own sisters!" "Sis, wake up!" Ranma twitched again as he felt some invisible force slap him yet again. This was _not_ his day. "Just you wait, Ryouga, I'll get you back. Somehow, someday." ******************* Ryouga sneezed, then wondered where the hell was he now. He'd just left the Tendo-ke, and was now in something completely unfamiliar. Where did these mountains come from? Why did it look like all these buildings were made of platinum? Where did this odd card he'd just found his backpack come from? It had some odd English lettering on one side, a picture of his surroundings on the other, and a set of words under the picture that were also in English. Unfortunately, Ryouga didn't know much of that language, having not found his way to school in years. Ryouga watched as the card faded away and shrugged. He knew he'd find his way to a pay phone, then he could call Akari and have her pick him up. He would then go on to have a happy life, knowing full well that he'd avenged himself on Ranma. Who was that one guy standing on a rainbow colored bridge and why was he emitting a battle aura? What was Asgard, and why was this guy so upset about Ryouga trespassing? ******************* Happosai left the train and was still in mid leap when Zen announced his presence. "KAME HAME HAAAAAAAA!" Happosai was caught and slammed into a wall by the blast. "YES!" Zen made a momentary pose, then realized that a barrage of fuse bombs were falling all around him. "Oh sh*..." ******************* "This is an interesting situation, son-in-law. Here you are, just married, and already three of your brides are unconcious and you've just about been beaten into the hospital." Cologne sent a smoke ring towards the ceiling. "I'd say you are going to have a VERY interesting honeymoon." "This absolutely could _not_ be happening." "Wo da airen! Wo ai ne!" "Excuse please, that MY line, Akane!" "Maybe we hit her a little too hard," Ukyou noted as Akane glomped Ranma. "Ranma need to lighten up, take Akane on date! Today beautiful!" Shampoo and Ukyou exchanged a glance. Yep, SOMETHING had rattled loose in Akane's noggin. "Her elevator not go to top floor." "Some of them oars ain't anywhere near the water." "Ladder missing rungs, ne?" Shampoo grinned. "Elvis has left the building." Ukyou smiled. "Lights are on, but no one home?" "A perfect demonstration of the inverse proportion of mouth size to brain size." "She a few fries short of Happy Meal." ------------------ Miles away, but getting closer, Happosai sneezed and wondered why he was getting a danger sense. After all, he'd left that Zen person behind in a smoking crater and there was no one else around. He glanced up. Apparently Zen had a faster recovery time than he'd thought. ------------------ "Uhm, Akane," Ranma backed into a corner. He couldn't help but notice how cute Akane was, even if she was acting an awful lot like Shampoo. "I think I saw a TV program once where a hit on the head produced a complete recovery," Nabiki said from where she was sitting, an icepack against her mallet-wound. One of Shampoo's maces slammed into Akane's head. Akane went down. Everyone watched as Akane slowly came back up, a beatific smile on her face. "Aiya, now she think she Kasumi?" "Dear lord, no!" Nabiki looked thoroughly horrified. "Why would that be a problem, Nabiki?" Kasumi asked, sounding slightly miffed. Akane glanced around and caught a glimpse of Ranma. She smiled, got up, raised one hand heavenward. "No! it's worse!" Ukyou and Shampoo said in unison, backing away in horror. "Ah, my pigtailed beauty, how I, Akane Tendo, have waited to proclaim my love to thee, that we may know the eternal joy of the requited love that may cause even the heavens to weep in rejoicing! For in truth is there not truth beyond truth, that truth shall set thee free to joy in the truth of our true love?" Everyone started working that one out. "I think she's a little less incomprehensible than Kuno," Ukyou started. "But Sword-boy have many more years practice," advised Shampoo. "Maybe if I hit memory shiatsu spot?" "Akane OK now?" Shampoo blinked. "Akane head working OK (or at least as well as normal) now?" "Right as rain, sugar cakes." Akane nodded. "I feel like my old self again." Ukyou backed away. "The way that voice sounds, it _couldn't_ be. She couldn't possibly be acting like him..." Akane glanced at the others, shrugged, then saw Ranma trying to sneak towards the door. "SWEET-O!" "AHHHHHGHHHHH!" The others looked at each other, sat down, and wisely decided not to try anything else like that. Akane acting like a female version of Happosai and trying to grab Ranma's underwear was entirely too much for them to deal with. "Uhm, nice tea, Kasumi." Ukyou managed after a moment. Shampoo nodded vigourously. "Kasumi always make very nice tea. Is good!" Nabiki shuddered as the sound of something smashing and Ranma's frightened scream sounded from somewhere in the house. "Yes, this is much better than the stuff you got from Ryouga a couple of weeks ago." "Oh my," said Kasumi as Ranma (holding up a badly ripped pair of pants with both hands) ran past them, screaming in absolute terror. "Didn't see a thing," Ukyou said calmly. "I did _not_ see that." Akane, chuckling evilly, came bouncing through a moment later. "Wait mon chere, ve hav got to go to de Kats bar! Oui?" Shampoo moaned, putting her head on the table. "This not Shampoo's day." Kasumi started patting Shampoo on the back, making little reassuring noises. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" "Wait for me, wait for lil' Ak-a-ne!" Ukyou took a big drink of tea when Ranma ran by again. This time he was merely trying to cover his "dignity" with a frisbee. There was no sign of his pants or underwear. A spit-take that would have been entirely appropriate on some '50s sitcoms ensued. Akane-kun stopped as the water caused the change. "Uh oh." Nabiki managed. Akane turned to smile at the assembled girls. "Uk-i-yo CHAAAAN!" Ranma was briefly safe, until Akane-kun found Nabiki's water pistol. --------------------------- there's more silliness to come, as this is just where i'm breaking due to browser/mail limitations. * Will Akane stop impersonating Happosai, or is it all just something she's doing to get back at them all for being slapped around? * Will the Ring be found, or will someone use her powers as the goddess of punctuality to try to set the timeline back on track? * Will Ryouga enjoy Asgard, or will he insult the red-haired gentleman with the hammer? * Will Happosai gain the Ring and make a wish that all the other characters will regret even more than Ryouga's wish? * Will Ryouga make his way back to the Tendo dojo only to find out what a combined attack from all five wives will do to his personal integrity? coming soon (maybe) Ring Of Toltiir 5 http://members.aol.com/Metroanime/main.html RING OF TOLTIIR V: NOT THE BAKA by Greggsharp@aol.com all char (c) someone else At an okinomiyaki restraunt, lightning flared. The ground outside Uuchan's was marked by a circular patch of the lightning which intensified briefly to an almost solid wall of blue sparks. The lightning then died abruptly, but the street was no longer empty. A woman with long dark hair holstered her futuristic pistol and smiled. "A world without Mihoshi," she said with a beatific smile. A blonde man with a black leather duster lit a cigarette and adjusted his dark sunglasses. "You sure about this, ace?" The third of the four figures didn't look remotely human. A reddish scaled dragonlike humanoid with wings folded back who was attempting to take in his surroundings. "It's magic, and cursed magic at that. I'm supposed to be 100% confident? No, this is how the cards SEEM to work." The fourth was a slightly overweight young man still wearing El-Hazard clothing. "I think this is the world Zen came to. Until we resolve SOMETHING in this world, we can't go on to the next one." "Beer!" The man in sunglasses moved to a vending machine. "Do you realize how long it has been since I've had a beer?" "Saving the world can wait I guess," the fourth man agreed. "Besides, maybe we can figure out what's going on BEFORE we're in the middle of the mess." ----------------^_^------------------- Akane-kun grinned an evil lecherous grin and gave chase. Shampoo (in her newly acquired cat-girl cursed form), Ukyou (in her cursed Akane form), Nabiki (with a blood alcohol level far above legally drunk- her own Juusenkyo curse) were all running. Kasumi had started out as prey, but had become predator as her _own_ Juusenkyo curse unlocked a little door in her mind and let a Beast out. Finally Akane, in her cursed male form, lumbering along and making various tasteless comments. At the head of this procession, screaming in abject terror, was Ranma in his cursed female form. Cologne merely watched from the sidelines, and started debating whether or not to intervene in this madness. Finally, after the third pass, her staff flicked out twice. Kasumi and Akane hit the floor as inertia exerted its force on paralyzed bodies. A few minutes later everyone was back in the room and hot water was being passed out. "Son-in-law, daughters-in-law, I need to explain a few things to you about those Cursed Rings you all now wear." Cologne sent a smoke ring to the ceiling. "If pleasure or pain is given to the wearer of the Husband Ring, then that is shared by the wearer of the Wife Ring. 'As if one flesh' it is said. Of course, as further control over impulsive males, the effect is far greater if the wearer of the Husband Ring inflicts either upon the wearer of the Wife Ring." There was a flush on several faces as various ideas suddenly occurred involving pleasure. "Get your minds off that!" Cologne paused. "Well at least for now." Visions of many great-grandchildren rose unbidden in Cologne's mind. "Definitely think about that later. "These rings also serve to convey various of the ancient cultural attitudes of the Amazons to the wearers. After all, these are PUNISHMENT items for those who have failed to live up to our rules. This is why Ranma (a male) is now afraid of his superiors (his wives) and why all of you have become more aggressive especially where Ranma is concerned. "It is made a little more confusing in that Ranma is wearing the Wife Ring, and that all of you have Husband Rings, but this much is certainly foreseeable." Ranma glanced over at Akane, who had an icepack on her head and was looking thoroughly zarked off. "Oh my son, you are so manly to have so many wives," said Ranma's mother Nadoka as she exchanged a glance and a nod with Cologne. Both thought of the mass of grandchildren that this should produce and were already planning how to split the group- some to grow up as proper amazons, and some as proper Japanese. Probably let the girl children be raised as amazons while the boys were raised in Japan, both realized that they had an ally in the other if an arrangement could be reached. Ranma watched Nadoka Saotome's quiet little smile and Cologne's smirk and was feeling quite creeped out. "To honor and obey," said Nabiki with her own cattish smirk on her face. "Hmmm. So we can do anything we want with Ranma-kun and he can't help himself..." "He can't lie to us or abandon us..." Ukyou said thoughtfully. "Ranma must perform husbandly duties," nodded Shampoo. "Life good. Shampoo knew sooner or later, somebody give Shampoo break and Shampoo then have husband." "So Ranma, why don't you tell me something I've been wondering about for a long time," Akane said, smiling sweetly as she edged near a thoroughly weirded out Ranma. "Since you MUST tell the truth..." Ranma sweated. He knew he was going to be asked something embarrassing like who did he love the best or did he truly love her or did he really think she was uncute. Unfortunately his mother was watching now and fleeing the country would not be considered very manly. "Uhm, yeah, Akane, maybe I should go check the stove, ah heh." "Why are you so jealous over P-chan?" Ranma began to sweat, there was a compulsion to speak, to tell all, that she _was_ his wife and under the laws of the Amazons he couldn't avoid telling her. "Damn, Ranchan, that looks painful." "Ranma you no look so good." "Urk. P-p-p-" Akane smiled, a cruel little smile. "P-chan is..." "Just say it, Ranchan. It can't be that bad." "It not. Ranma no say, Shampoo know." "He could tell you but he couldn't tell me?" "Pervert-girl shut mouth and listen to Shampoo. If Pervert-girl not stubborn low-grade moron, Pervert-girl would have figured it out by now." Ranma blinked. Shampoo knew? Akane snarled and started to emit the familiar blue glow. "P-chan is Ryouga, fall in Juusenkyo when pursue Husband to China, stupid P-chan stand next to cliff over Juusenkyo, get knocked down as Husband run by. Fall in cursed spring, turn into piglet, come back to barbaric island of arrogant people, get Ranma to promise not to reveal secret, then P-chan start sleeping with Akane. Ranma try to hint, so Violent-pervert-girl start beating on him. Shampoo leave out anything?" "No, Shampoo, I think you got it." "UKYOU KNEW TOO?" "Hmmm," Kasumi looked into her tea. "Well, now that everyone knows I don't have to leave him extra copies of clothes around for when he changes back." "KASUMI!?!" "Which means those little perverted things you were doing with P-chan at night..." "NABIKI?! DID EVERYONE BUT ME KNOW?" Akane's skin had turned an interesting shade of scarlet. "Ranma YOU should have told me at least." "Well, I uh..." To everyone's shock, the hammer came out. It was already well on its way when suddenly a tiny voice could be heard in Akane's head as reason suddenly caught up with ingrained habit. Wily Coyote would have been entirely sympathetic. "What the hell am I doing?!" "Oh dear!" Ranma got up, looked around, and rubbed where the latest mallet strike had caught him in the side of the head. That one had hurt. He checked and Kasumi was breathing, but was clearly out cold. She'd slammed forward into the table and was going to have some swelling where her nose had impacted the wood. Nabiki had been in mid-jump, trying to catch Akane's arm before the blow struck. She was out cold too, as was apparent when Ranma got around to the other side of the wall and could check. Akane was concious, but just staring off into space, mumbling something about "stop it P-chan that tickles." Ranma was slightly nauseated as various possibilities of what she could mean occurred to him. Ukyou swept past him into the room. Glaring at Akane, she checked Kasumi and started prying Nabiki out of the wall. Shampoo muttering what sounded like a series of Chinese curses, walked in and used the teapot to change back. "Shampoo very not happy at you, Pervert-girl. If laws not keep Amazons from killing each other, then might give you..." "It was Ryouga...." Akane muttered, eyes wide. "Then that time with the peanut butter and the...urk." Ukyou and Shampoo exchanged a glance. Ukyou started writing this down, but was stopped by Nabiki. "5000 yen, and I get you a copy of the videotape suitable for framing." Nabiki stopped to check her jaw. It felt like a few teeth were a little loose. "For the complete series I might consider a special deal." Akane was still in shock, shaking her head as things began to click together. The little pig had... and then..."Ryooooouuuuugggaaaa." Ranma was very glad he wasn't Ryouga, and was rather hoping that Akane would remember that fact. *************** Happosai was pissed. He was angrier at the moment then the time Ranma had stopped his first panty raid at Furinkan, more thoroughly zarked off then when Ranma had deserved his special vengeance. "Enough!" The little man screamed, using his demon-dragon chi attack. It was enough to knock the offending Zen out of the air and into a large black fullsize sedan. Yakuza members immediately began pouring out, looking for something that was still moving to take their vengeance out on. One flipped the young man off the hood, then their gazes came down to Happosai. "Beat it, boys, I ain't in the mood." Flashing knives and other weapons common to the "Japanese mafia"- the Yakuza moved towards the old man who had something to do with the wreck of their car. Happosai was all too glad to show them what a rotten day he was having. **************** Somewhere over Tibet, Kodachi, the Black Duck, wondered where the heck Japan was. Not realizing her sense of direction in duck form was nearly as bad as Ryouga's, she flew on into the mountains. **************** Nodoka was talking about how manly her son was to not only have one wife, but apparently able to satisfy that many women. Ranma, quite truthfully, denied he'd done any such thing. He also flinched as he heard something being smashed in the background. "Well, we can certainly tell where Akane is, can't we?" "Where are they, you thieves?" Everyone turned to look at the group of young women standing in the back yard. Shampoo gave a cheerful shout. "Bui Ling! Po Em, Chi Ki, Mai Li, Li Na, Sofa, Rin Su! You all come visit Shampoo!" "Not quite! We're looking for those men that came into the village. They managed an escape." Bui Ling shrugged. "Last minute break before the ceremony." Shampoo nodded sympathetically. "These things happen." Her eyes widened slightly as she saw something behind her Amazon sisters. Akane charged, seeing these women with drawn weapons, well he had a lot of anger to work out. The rain was just another thing that had gone wrong lately and there was something to be said for a purely physical resolution. The rain was light, but still enough to trigger the change so that it was Akane-kun who reached the amazons just as they turned. His first blow struck the woman with the chain weapon and knocked her back into the horse-sword wielder. The next punch was blocked by the woman with the staff. Akane-kun started a snap kick, and saw his punch was blocked again by the staff. Akane-kun watched the little birdies for a moment, wondering exactly how he'd gotten dazed. "Wo da airen! Wo ai ne!" Akane-kun looked down at the amazon with the chain weapons and was trying to make the connection, even as sounds of disgust (from some) and laughter (from others) could be heard coming from within the house. "What?" The woman gently kissed one of Akane-kun's cheeks. "Aiya." Certain concepts suddenly clicked together as the dizziness from that last staff blow wore off. "Get away from me, you pervert! I'm not like that! Really! I'm a girl!" "Ah," Shampoo nodded wisely and winked at her great-grandmother. "Akane and Rin Su make good couple, yes." Ukyou nodded and wiped away imaginary tears. "Akane, it's perfect. We understand that you have someone else now, and have to leave our little group. We can only wish you the most happiness." "What?!" "She's still wearing the Wedding Ring," said Cologne with a tone of great regret. "Unfortunately, she cannot go and marry Rin Su at this time." "What do you mean _at this time_!?" "Don't worry, child, there's a way to divorce you from Ranma so that you'll be free to marry Rin Su." "Akane..." Ranma looked on in shock. "Wow, sis, I had no idea you were this way." "I AM NOT THIS WAY, NABIKI!" "My little girl, er, boy is getting married!" "Oh, hello father." "WELL, Ranma," Akane glared over at Ranma who seemed to be paralyzed by what was going on. "Aren't you going to say SOMETHING!" Ranma glanced around, looked at how Akane-kun was being glomped in an identical way to how he himself had repeatedly been glomped by Shampoo. The temptation was overwhelming to respond to the situation in the same way that Akane had always responded to his situations. "Fine, be that way, Akane, I hope you and Rinse are happy together..." Ranma looked away from Akane, as if he couldn't bear to see her. "I-I-I understand. Certainly you've always been willing to tell me how much you've hated me." Ranma was keeping his face turned because he simply wasn't a good enough actor to keep the grin off his face. Keeping the laughter out of his voice sounded like he was trying to hold back something, tears possibly... Akane-kun would have done a facefault if Rinse weren't holding him so tightly. "RANMA!" "Put the mallet down, Akane!" "You no want to do that, Hammer girl, I mean Hammer boy!" "Sis, you do that again, I _will_ get ticked. You know what kind of trouble I can stir up if you do that." "Oh dear, not again..." ---------------------- A panda crashed into the koi pond, managing to bounce off a rock before a monstrous bellyflop. Kasumi, with her usual presence of mind, grabbed the koi flopping around on the ground and put it back in the water. At the least it was a welcome diversion from her sister/brother's new engagement. "Oh my." Floating overhead, Kitchiri (goddess of punctuality, Divine Retribution Office trainee) pointed at the panda. "For crimes you have committed, I call upon the justice of the heavens upon you, Genma Saotome." Nadoka had started forward when she saw her husband, but stopped on hearing these words. With a small smile, she sat back to watch this. A flaring red nimbus appeared around Genma as Kitchiri pointed some odd crystalline rod at him. "From now on, every time you tell a lie, you shall grow fatter. Goodbye for now." "That's it? That's the Divine Retribution?" Nadoka glared at her husband. "I've met her before, she's new at this job." Ranma shrugged. "I guess their training program leaves a bit to be desired." Genma-P held up a sign. [It's not my fault.] Genma looked like he'd gained another thirty pounds, all of it fat. The sign flipped. [It has to be a mistake!] Another sign. [I didn't do it.] Sign flipped. [Everything I did, it was for the Boy's sake!] "Geez, he's getting pretty disgusting looking." [Appearances can be deceiving.] A pause, then the sign flipped when nothing happened. [It's not really what it looks like.] Having gained another 150 pounds, Genma-P was looking a little overweight, even for a panda. Nodoka, with a little smile, moved to get some hot water. Genma was going to have a hard time running away or lying to her, and she could see having to put him through a very strict diet to get rid of the extra weight. This could be interesting, after all. ------------------ Zen noticed the truck just before a laughing Happosai drove over him in it. He pulled a pack of cards from a pocket. "Urk. Broken ribs, crushed spine, can't feel my legs, don't WANT to do this." He knew damn well that every draw from the deck was random, even if he knew this would be a character card. Whatever he drew, he'd be stuck in that form for awhile. He pulled the card and looked at the picture with a shocked look that faded to a resigned disgust. "Zen knew this would happen sooner or later. Zen thinks this sucks." The form of Future Trunks blurred and reshaped and SHRUNK. Now at full health again, Zen looked up. This could _really_ suck. Hopping away at full speed, the cabbit raced to where he knew Happosai would be going. The one thing that Zen viewed as a good thing in all this was that if they ran into Kei & Yuri, there was a chance that he could change his name to Mughi and not have to worry about whatever collateral damage they did as Mughi ALWAYS escaped the problems of the Dirty Pair. -------------------- "Another beer," Shades made a gesture. "Dozo biiru kudasai!" "I didn't know you knew Japanese," managed Dan, who was wishing he wasn't diabetic because he could damn well use SOMETHING after the past few weeks. "Hey, I know the important phrases. Where's the bathroom? If you don't get outta my face, I'll kill you. Do you take traveler's checks? My room has a map of Tokyo, can you come over and show me around? You know, basic necessities." Shades managed a worldly air as he sipped on another 'Il Biiru Roso'. "So what do you think is going on?" Kiyone asked the dragon. The dragon, who wasn't drinking because frankly he flew like the Greatest American Hero without any alcoholic hindrance, raised his head and favored her with a glance. "This seems to be the Ranmaverse, so I'd bet whatever needs resolved is over at the Tendo Dojo. Uuchan's is closed, so that's probably where SHE is. Either that or everybody's off to China doing something with one of Ranma's fiancees, Akane's kidnappers, or one of the other stock plotlines. Of course I don't know WHICH Ranmaverse, so I just hope it's not 'The Bitter End' or (worse) 'Lemonade Punch'." Kiyone watched the dragon shudder and decided she did NOT want to ask. "So desu ne." The dragon uncoiled himself from where he was sitting, causing the patrons of the bar to scuttle back again. "Shades, Dan, I'm going to the Tendo-ke. You two come when you're finished. I figure Zen will show up there eventually, if he's not there already." "I'm coming too," Kiyone checked the charge on her blaster. "After all, people will be more alarmed if they see you walking through the city like a six-six Gojira as opposed to being ridden. If they assume a 'human' is controlling you, they'll think of you as just a big animal." "Good thought," the dragon seemed to smile with that strangely flexible face. "Later, Brad." Shades didn't even look up. "Call me Carbine." The dragon said over his shoulder as he followed Kiyone out into the street. -------------------- "Honestly, Nadoka, I don't know." "Uncle Genma, you're getting pretty disgusting." "Damn pops, you look like Jabba the Hut." --------------------- RING OF TOLTIIR VI: All strange things... by GreggSharp@aol.com Happosai stepped back in disgust. There, sitting in front of the gate of the Tendo-ke, was something that looked so cute and cuddly that he was revolted. Happosai made a warding gesture as the cutesy little critter looked at him with big soulful eyes. "NO! Gakk! Urk! Too much, I can't take it..." Nausea swept through the 300+ year old pervert as the cabbit gave out a cute little "miyaaaa" noise. Shuddering, Happosai produced a number of his fuse bombs and started tossing them. Even in the face of such disgusting levels of cute, he would not let anyone or anything keep him from getting that magic ring. "Miya?" Zen dodged the fuse bombs, wondering what the heck was going on here. Happosai couldn't deal with cabbits? That wasn't in the manga, was it? As the explosions commenced, Happosai noted the sudden crunching noise as SOMETHING landed on top of him. "Ryo-oh-ki?" The dragon and Kiyone asked within seconds of each other. The dragon sniffed. "No, smells like Zen." "Miyaa!" The cabbit sounded a little miffed. He bathed on a regular basis, he'd say if he could speak at the moment. "By the way, Carbine, what did you step in?" "ENOUGH!" Happosai stood up, cut and bloodied from having a dragon use him as a landing pad. He glanced up and saw Kiyone. "Sweet!" Kiyone saw Happosai coming, recognized that this was some sort of attack, and reacted with all the speed that the Galaxy Police tried to instill in their personnel. Her blaster came up and was firing at the monster (he didn't look human to her, particularly at the moment.) He was still halfway to the glomp when an energy bolt (currently set on setting 3, 1 being light stun, 5 being hope-your-boomer-was-insured) struck him in the left collarbone. The particle beam spun Happi end over end in midair before he struck the wall. A moment later he slid down to the ground, still leaving wisps of smoke and a pungent odor (reminiscent of grilled pork) in the air. Kiyone was suddenly being congratulated by a withered old woman on a stick, a small group of women with archaic weapons, an incredibly obese middle-aged man, and a small crowd of others who were apparently overjoyed that she'd shot whoever this was. Some of the comments registered, and she realized that she'd just apprehended some major criminal. She smiled herself at this, only a few days away from Mihoshi and she'd already done the local police a major favor. Life...was...good. ================= A week passed... Everyone thought it was a beautiful ceremony, the double wedding being unusual by ANY standards, such that it would have raised a few eyebrows even in Las Vegas or Little Rock much less Nerima. Ukyou kissed Ranma enthusiastically, Kasumi kissed Ranma shyly, Nabiki took charge of the situation and kissed Ranma so forcefully that it looked like the groom was about to collapse. Shampoo kissed Ranma and Cologne laughed and nodded over at Nadoka. "They make a cute couple, don't they?" "My son is so manly," sniffed Nadoka Saotome. "Remember the agreement," Cologne said quietly. "You get one of the girls and all but one of the boys. The Amazon village gets all the girls except one, and one of the boys." "With visitation rights for each half of the family." Nadoka nodded. "Special considerations for trade-offs if one or the other group fails to work out in the culture they find themselves in." "Pleasure doing business with you, Mrs Saotome." Nadoka smiled. "Likewise, Cologne." Akane-kun kissed Rin Su in the other ceremony, and glared daggers at where Ranma and his new wives were running to the car. Rin Su, or Rinse, wasn't satisfied with the quick peck, and gave her husband a kiss that left no doubt in anyone's mind who would be the aggressor in THAT relationship. When Akane-kun started stuttering out about how embarrassing that was, Rinse did the expected thing and malletted her husband before dragging him off. Current bets with that relationship was how long it would take Rinse to "break" Akane into the new relationship. Even with Rinse having much better luck with a love potion than Shampoo had ever had. "Miya!" The dragon translated this as "You know, THAT never happened in any of Zen's fanfics." A small crowd watched from just outside the doors to the dojo. "I always did like Shampoo," Shades chuckled. "Nabiki'll OWN that Amazon Village before the year's out." "Why do you think she's going along with it, even after the Rings were removed? Family honor? No, this way she gets love, attention, and a broad financial base. She's marrying into the family of the Elders, and Shampoo will eventually be one of the Elder Council herself." Dan watched Tofu Ono, who was walking rather unsteadily over to Kasumi's location. Tofu's wife, another of the amazons, watched him like a hawk waiting for the rabbit to make a wrong move. "So she ACCIDENTLY puts the wedding ring back on..." "You sure about this, Bui Ling, Ku Ohm?" "Please to draw card, Shades-san. You go to other worlds with many strong fighters, this make for very interesting time. With Cousin Shampoo married now, will need to find suitable new blood for village." Shades had the honors this time, and a moment later a single card fluttered to the ground. There was no sign of the crowd which had just stood there a moment previously. Sayuri inspected the card, wondering exactly where "Tenkai Budo-kai" was. "Well, at least with Ranma gone, things will quiet down some." Both looked up at the clear sky, wondering where that thunder had come from. ...END