3 1/2's Company by Gregg Sharp ===== more-or-less standard disclaimer most characters,series are (c) of their respective owners. if i had any money, i wouldn't be in the situations i'm in and could actually accomplish something more than sitting at home typing a story like this. ============================== Two geeks in Mesa Arizona are arguing over what to watch. "They're showing a Ranma episode on the Sci-fi channel, let's watch that!" "You've got the tape already. There's a bunch of 60s & 70s jiggle shows on 45 that they're gonna show!" "Ranma!" "The RetroBlast!" "Ranma!" "Retro!" A little black cat cleared its throat. The two geeks almost crawled out of their skins as they realized in horror that a nightmare had come to visit. "Toltiir!" Both screamed in perfect harmony as they realized the demon/angel/kami of Humor, Mischief, and Bad Jokes was present. The cat smiled and jumped to the top of the set. THUMP THUMP Abruptly the set came on and a program started to play. The horror had just begun. -------------------------------------- "Come on knock on my dojo, take a kata that's new, it's a pleasing, pleasing place, and Ranma's company too....." SCENE: a rental house in Somewhere, USA that has a dojo in back. As this exterior scene is playing, one can see it is early morning. A girl in a bikini jogs by. a bicyclist, watching the girl, plows into a parked car. Typical California Scene though there are parts of Anywhere that it could be. INTERIOR SCENE: a living room where there are three chairs, a dinette, a sofa, a TV set, and other stock typical items. The only items that appear not to have come from Rentco are a poster for the "Megumi-chan World Tour" and a set of really big spatulas hanging from pegs on the wall. WOMAN#1: (off camera) "Shampoo, you were out late last night. Did your Curse Support Group go well?" WOMAN#2: (offcamera)"Aiya. Shampoo spend all night talking to new member, can't remember too much though. We had a few beers but think he not used to that. Trying to get over break up from old girlfriend over his curse." WOMAN#1: (still offcamera)"I'm going to run the ad for a new roomie down to the college before class." A woman comes out of one room, goes into another room, pauses and then comes very quickly back into the living room. She is a devastatingly attractive brunette wearing a man's shirt and slacks.. UKYOU: (urgently) "SHAMPOO! Psssssst!" A woman walks in from the other side of the set, she is a curvaceous oriental girl, of close to the same height as Ukyou, wearing a purple cheongsam. SHAMPOO: "Aiyaa! What is problem, silly Spatula Girl? Zipper stuck again?" UKYOU: "There's a man passed out in the bathtub! Another of your boyfriends?" SHAMPOO: "Silly. Shampoo no have boyfriend Grandmother insist that Shampoo have standards but standards too high for local boys." UKYOU: "Then WHO is that in the bathtub?" The man in question, about the same age as the two women, steps out of the second room as this question comes up. RANMA: "Uhm, I'm Ranma Saotome, and would anyone happen to know why I was asleep in your bathtub?" Ranma and Shampoo exchange a glance. RANMA & SHAMPOO: "OH! It's YOU!" SHAMPOO: "Now Shampoo remember!" UKYOU: "Will someone explain it to me, then?!" SHAMPOO: "Was at 'People With Curses Support Group' when met Ranma. He nice fellow, might meet Grandma's rules..." RANMA: (puzzled) "What rules are those?" SHAMPOO: "Oh, you not need know that. Very unimportant. Right now need to talk Ukyou, so you go in kitchen get coffee, yes?" RANMA, still puzzled, leaves set in the direction Shampoo was pointing, which is where she originally entered the set. The two watch, Ukyou watching his butt with a certain fascination. Shampoo turns back to Ukyou and waves her hand in front of Ukyou's face with a certain annoyance as she sees the predatory look on Ukyou's face. SHAMPOO: "Stop thinking that, silly girl. We need talk about making rent, ne?" UKYOU: (annoyed) "Oh come on. You know Mister Kuno wouldn't let a guy move in! You're thinking of letting him split the rent? Are you nuts?" SHAMPOO: (looks down shyly, drags foot across carpet) "Shampoo meet Ranma, have idea, find out what curse he have and think maybe this could work out." Off screen you hear a splash and a woman's voice making an expletive. WOMAN (off screen): "Looks like the sink needs fixing." UKYOU: "There's a woman in there?" Ranma-chan walks in from KITCHEN. UKYOU: "Those clothes?! Ranma?" RANMA-C: "Yeah? Oh, the curse." SHAMPOO: "Ranma run into same sort of curse Shampoo have. Instead of turn into cat, Ranma turn into girl." UKYOU: "So you're a guy, except you turn into a girl when you get wet with cold water, and hot water turns you into a guy...this MIGHT work after all, Shampoo." RANMA-C: "Huh?" SHAMPOO: "Ranma tell Shampoo last night you just move into area, have no place to stay? Well, you split rent with us, there no problem!" RANMA-C: "Huh! I couldn't stay here with two cute girls!" SHAMPOO: "Rent very high around here. Besides, dojo in back." RANMA-C: (enthused) "Really?" (suspicious) "You wouldn't be putting me on, would you?" SHAMPOO: "Silly Ranma, you not even hollow." UKYOU: "You just stay in your girl form if the landlord comes by." RANMA-C: (pouty) "Must I?" UKYOU: (nods) "Yeah, our landlord is a bit of weird-o, even for around here. His name is Tatewaki Kuno and he would NEVER allow two girls and a guy (unless they were married) to stay in the same house." SHAMPOO: "Just watch out for his sister, he easy to manipulate but sister psychotic." RANMA-C: "Oh. Okay. It's only temporary though. Once I've gotten other arrangements, I'll move out." UKYOU: "Okay, but it may take a while. You understand what the market is like around here near the college." SHAMPOO: "Shampoo like place, it bicycle distance to school and work, have way for Shampoo to get into house when in cursed form." RANMA-C: (startled) "Waitaminute, something you said a few minutes ago. You said last night that you had a Juusenkyo curse too, that you'd fallen into a spring, and now cold water turns you into whatever drowned in that spring. What did you say you turned into?" SHAMPOO: "Turn into cat, is no big deal." RANMA-C: (nervous) "Uhm, that could be a problem, I really don't handle cats that well. I've had some bad experiences with them in the past." SHAMPOO: (shrugs) "Then just avoid you when cat. Could be worse, Shampoo know many worse pools to fall in." UKYOU: "Well, I'm glad I never went to Juusenkyo. Me and Shampoo met at work over at a fastfood Chino-Japanese restraunt called "A Short Wok" a few blocks from campus. She's a waitress, I'm one of the cooks." SHAMPOO: "I also backup cook. Ukyou handle Japanese food okay, but still need work with Chinese specialty dishes." RANMA-C: "Two cooks." (turns to camera, licks lips, smiles, has an odd look of glee.) "Well, I guess I can get my backpack. Which room's mine?" SHAMPOO: "Aiya. You stay in Shampoo's room, okay?" UKYOU: (startled) "SHAMPOO!" SHAMPOO: (sticks tongue out at Ukyou) "Shampoo just kidding. Spatula girl and me, we share THAT room."(points) "Ranma take THAT room."(points at another door.) Knock on door sounds, Ukyou goes to the door and looks through the peephole. UKYOU: "Arrrrghhhh. It's Mousse!" SHAMPOO: "Aiya! This bad. QUICK Ranma, you change back to boy!" (starts shoving Ranma off the set towards KITCHEN.) ----------------------------- commercial break Duran Duran's "Hungry Like A Wolf" is playing in the background as a camera goes very quickly through a deep forest setting. It looks rather like the Flagstaff area. VOICEOVER: "Are you cursed? Under a geas? Having to deal with problems outside the typical paradigm?" Scene now shows a side view of a little black piglet, running at full speed through the underbrush. The camera angle pulls back abruptly as the little piglet suddenly finds the forest ending, and is hanging in midair over the Grand Canyon. PIG: "Bwee? BWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" As the pig drops past the bottom of the screen, the voice over continues though the pig squeal can still be heard fading in the distance. VOICEOVER: "Bethany Medical Center has personnel and counseling for YOUR very special needs. And if you can't get help at Bethany, please, get help." --------end commercial break--------- A long haired Chinese man with thick glasses walks into the room with UKYOU, RANMA, and SHAMPOO. MOUSSE: "Hey babe, I just got the good news. Your grandma says unless you find someone else, you gotta marry me after all!" Camera does a face shot of Shampoo who manages to look nauseated and alarmed at the same time. Shampoo's voice is heard without her mouth moving. SHAMPOO (thought): "Sound like grandma-ma not taking her medication again." SHAMPOO: "What you do to grandma-ma that she agree to such crazy thing?" MOUSSE: "It was simple, I am a Master Of The Hidden Ingredient style combat cooking arts! A little posthypnotic suggestion mushroom and a contract..." SHAMPOO: (angrily) "That not only not legal, but grandma-ma not be happy when it wear off." MOUSSE: (confident) "Doesn't matter, I know you don't have a boyfriend, so I guess that means I win, right my fiancee? She won't do anything to your husband, after all!" UKYOU: (evil smile) "Say, Shampoo, why don't you introduce Mousse to your fiance?" SHAMPOO: "Huh? AIYAAA! Mousse too late, Shampoo already have fiance, and Shampoo no think he like to share!" (glomps Ranma) MOUSSE: "WHAT?!?" RANMA: "WHAT?" SHAMPOO: "Ranma, you so silly!" (kisses Ranma passionately, this has the desired effect- that he's so in shock that he goes completely paralytic.) MOUSSE: (stage whisper) "Damn!" (points at Ranma) "You won't get away with this, you Casanova!" (stalks off stage. sound of him tripping and falling, crashes ensue.) SHAMPOO: (looks out door) "Aiyaaa. Shampoo thank you Ranma. Please pretend be Shampoo's fiancee so Shampoo never have to marry Mousse. Great grandma-ma either drinking or take wrong medication again." RANMA: "..." (shakes himself as he starts coming to) "What was all that about?" UKYOU: "That was Mousse, a perverted little Chinese martial artist who owns a chain of Chinese takeout places in the North. He keeps trying to get into the market here, but it's already too saturated for a new place and none of the old owners want to sell to the likes of him. He's had a crush on Shampoo for years, but ever since he found out that Shampoo was heir to secret Chinese recipes, he's been really obnoxious." SHAMPOO: "He own many Chinese restaurant/strip joints. Shampoo not want anything do with Mousse." RANMA: "So you want me to be a girl for your landlord, and Shampoo's fiancee whenever this Mousse guy shows up. Great. Just great. What else could go wrong?" OFFSCREEN: Thunder sounds. UKYOU: (frowning) "That's strange, the forecast for today was sunny." SHAMPOO: (nods) "Have bad feeling about this." SCENE: cut to a busy airport where a woman is getting her luggage. A sign appears pointing to the woman that reads "Jealous Ex-Girlfriend". AKANE: (slaps sign away) "I am NOT Ranma's girlfriend, Okay! I just want to talk to that idiot! He never even had the nerve to kiss me, all right?" (grumbles as she walks offstage with her luggage) ANNOUNCER: "Next week: we meet Ranma's mercenary sister Nabiki. Will he be sold up the river, or just blackmailed continually? And what of the girlfriend who dumped him because of his curse? Will she be jealous that..." AKANE'S VOICE: " I AM NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND! THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER BE JEALOUS OF A PERVERT LIKE THAT!" (sounds of someone being malleted into the pavement) Shampoo's head pokes up into camera view. SHAMPOO: "Ni HAO! Shampoo want to say why does Shampoo talk like this when Shampoo is college student who do okay on English classes?" (licks lips and gives a sultry come-hither look to camera.) "Cause it drives the guys crrrrazy!!!!" UKYOU'S VOICE: "Knock it Miss Libido! Geez, this is family hour for crying out loud." -------------------------------------------- That's all folks. I COULD do worse, I COULD do more, but I think this pretty much raps up how a 3's Company/Ranma 1/2 fusion would look. Yes, Mousse is a BIT OOC from Ranma, but look at all the situations you could get going from such a thing. PS: the original draft was my attempt to develop and write something within one hour, then post it. You can tell i'm using Notepad instead of WP for these things, can't you?