Shampoo's Revenge 

Part 5 

by Jared Ornstead

=====

    **KABOOM!!!** 
    Happo-Fire-Bombs exploded in a hail of bright orange overlapping 
concussions. 
    "Happo Flaming Balls Revenge!!" Cried a mad voice from inside the 
cloud of blasts. 
    Shrieking in a voice two octaves too high, Ryoga came racing out of 
the explosions with a blazing, white phosphorous fire centered on his 
groin and panic in his eyes as he ran hither to and fro seeking 
*anything* that would end the blaze of pain. 
    He spied a convenient vat of liquid. 
    *Splash!* 
    Behind this scene, a calm and murderously angry Happosai appeared 
from the dying explosions of the hail of Happo Fire Bombs used to blind 
his foe to the *real* attack. He breathed heavily for long moments. 
    "Now, boy, you see one of the real reasons I sealed the founding 
technique of this branch of my martial art. I didn't want to remember 
the rest of the stuff I'd made up based on it!!" 
    A small black pig with its groin on fire splashed out of the vat of 
barbecue sauce like an odd fish seeking freedom. Beside this scene, a 
man wearing apron and chef's hat looked up from his grill. Dozens of 
similarly attired men did likewise, and the banner above their heads 
floating gently in the explosion-stirred breeze read. 
    "Martial Arts Barbecue Cook Off Today!!" 

    Nabiki opened the door to an older gentleman about her father's 
age. Nothing about his attire set him apart, but there was the obvious 
air of a government inspector about him. The man bowed very shallowly. 
"Miss Tendo?" 
    "Yes." She replied, with a much deeper bow of her own. 
    The stern-faced inspector carried the burdens of his office with 
ease. "I represent the Immigration Bureau as a special investigator. I 
am here to take your testimony as witness to open a file so we may 
begin an investigation into these foreigners. May I come in?" 
    "Of course." She stepped aside and allowed the older man to enter 
their home. He got right to business, opening a briefcase and removing 
a clipboard. 
    "Full name?" 
    "Nabiki Tendo." 
    The man seemed to pause, but twitched it off almost unnoticeably. 
"Age?" 
    "Seventeen." 
    The man jotted it down, then looked at Nabiki instead of reading 
his form. "Do you attend Furinkan High School?" 
    Nabiki was somewhat nonplused by his manner, but answered as 
friendly as she could. "Yes, ever since middle school." 
    "Are you the *only* Nabiki Tendo who attends Furinkan?" 
    Warning bell alarms were going off in her head, but he could easily 
find out on his own and she couldn't remember offending anyone... 
lately. The girl gave a cautious nod. "I am." 
    Nabiki had a sudden 'Mouse in a Cat Convention' feeling as the man 
contrived to look both vindictive and relieved. She noted him whisper 
"At last." as he snapped his form into his open briefcase with a flick 
of his wrist, taking out a different sheet and copying the same 
information into the blanks. She answered his questions warily as he 
finished out the new paper, but wasn't sure what she'd gotten into or 
how to get out of it. 
    "Don't you need my signature or something?" She asked as he'd done 
and was about to put away the form. 
    The man responded with such an evil grin that she was certain now 
why people cringed away from her when she was feeling a rush at the end 
of a scheme. "No, that won't be necessary. Thank you, miss Tendo. Good 
day." 
    Nabiki showed him to the door and tried to forget her hearing him 
whisper "May it be your last." 

    "I had it, Daisuke. I had it *in my hands!*" He sobbed openly. "The 
greatest result a Knight the True Perversion, looking in the girl's 
locker room and buying pics from Nabiki, all for a remote *glimpse* of 
Akane could *ever* hope for. All gone..." Hiroshi shook his head, 
trembling in sorrow. 
    Daisuke patted him comfortingly on the back. 
    "It's okay, my friend. The Defenders of the Nude Fiancee will 
always be with you." 
    Hiroshi raised his tear-streaked face. "Do you think?" 
    Daisuke nodded *very* seriously, raising a hand to indicate the 
horizon. "Think of it, member of our companion order, for you have seen 
that which we have only *wished* to for so long...." 
    Both boys became RIVETED as a screaming image of pale pink flesh 
flashed past. 

    Akane had been *trying* to get home in one piece. 
    It wasn't working. 
    First, Happosai had used some waterproof makeup when he'd adorned 
her and the stuff _wouldn't_ come off! Then Yuka and she were different 
sizes, which made borrowing her underwear impossible and only Yuka's 
elastic exercise shorts would fit. Barely. And the t-shirt had almost 
split a seam when Akane had put it on. 
    She'd been in such a hurry to get home and change into something 
decent that she'd not noticed until she was blocks away from Yuka's 
house that the lingerie she'd forgotten to take off peaked out beyond 
the borders of the too-tight exercise outfit. 
    Then Happosai had found her. 
    "SWEETO!" 
    *burst!* 
    The shreds of the overstrained t-shirt gave way and fluttered to 
the ground behind her as the Tendo heir to Anything Goes martial arts 
was assaulted by the ancient master of her school. She ran screaming, 
with the pervert still fondling her breasts, which the sexy lingerie 
did nothing to conceal or restrain. 
    Thought gave way to panic as she ran.... 
    ...straight into Kuno. 
    Tatewaki Kuno stood in regal pose all the way up until he saw the 
old lecher perched between his true love's breasts like a wrinkled old 
baby. 
    Then he got a little crazy. 
    "Unhand her, cretin!!" Kuno took a slash with his wooden sword. 
Happosai moved out of the way. Akane's shorts did not. 
    *RIP!* 
    "AAAaaaaahhhhh!!" Akane ran streaking off down the street. 
    "SWEETO!!" 
    "My love!!" 

    *BONK!* 
    Shampoo lifted up a hand and massaged her head, finding a wooden 
crate landed there, flung by some far-distant explosion. The label had 
been burned off by chemical fire, but the crate was sturdy enough. It 
looked like one of the boxes that shipping men brought to their 
restaurant sometimes. 
    Glancing to make sure Ukyo wasn't rushing off with Ranma, She 
lifted the box down off her head to check through the contents, and 
when she did her eyes bulged. 
    She stowed it away. 
    There had to be a use for it sometime. Maybe it would work to use 
her sister's trick and say to Akane to back off from her airen or else. 
    She wondered if anyone else had thought of that idea. 

    Sasuke, acting on Kodachi's orders, eased shut the window to 
Nabiki's room while the aforementioned occupant was downstairs dealing 
with some government official, taking with him an armful of notes and 
papers, which he added to the cart full of computer disks, file folders 
and microfilm he'd filched from all the special corners of the Tendo 
domicile, hidden about in Nabiki's various stashes. He'd opened and 
emptied out her safe deposit boxes earlier that day, and he'd gotten to 
the around-town stuff the previous evening. 
    Very simply, he was a spy. He might not do other stuff well but he 
*hid* very well indeed, and was an excellent hidden watcher. A hidden 
watcher learns all sorts of things of sensitive nature, and he'd been 
posted on the Tendos MORE than long enough to know where Nabiki hid 
everything she did. 
    Kodachi had ordered those confidential files confiscated. 
    Sasuke was so busy struggling with the load that when the errant 
breeze deposited a number of photo-shack picture envelopes upon the 
stack of already confiscated materials he didn't even notice, save to 
straighten one that looked like it may well fall off. 
    Then he trudged back to the vaults of the Kuno mansion. He had to 
sort and index all this and present his mistress with a summary 
sometime tomorrow. 

    There was a fair going on at the park that day, and the friendly 
trio of Ranma and two competing would-be wives were having a *grand* 
old time. There were pretty stuffed animals to be won (and sold to 
little kids who were unable to win one for themselves), big bags of 
popcorn, cotton candy, and other treats. A shooting gallery had a 'Dunk 
the Panda' game that was surprisingly popular with the locals, even 
though one British guy was winning all the points. Of course, there 
were also rides... 
    After a ride through the Tunnel of Love, Ranma walked a little 
funny and had a face that was covered in solid lipstick - different 
colors each side. 
    They laughed and stopped at a barbecue shack to get a cloth napkin 
to clean him up with, and while they were there Ukyo bought a small 
roast on a stick. She bit into it while the love of her life laughed at 
one of her jokes, and suddenly the roast exploded in struggling and 
squeals, shaking off barbecue sauce to reveal that it had mysteriously 
survived the burning of its flesh over the fire and impalement on a 
stick, and was now struggling for freedom - running off with squeals 
muffled by the wooden rod in its mouth, emerging from the other end as 
well. As it ran it reclaimed its trademark yellow bandana fluttering 
down from the garbage heap and ran off in search of hot water and burn 
salve. 
    Yes, said pig was none other than the damage-resistant Ryoga. 
    Ukyo turned to the vendor and asked for her money back. 

    Akane ran screaming. 
    She'd torn off the lingerie - or rather Happosai had, which was 
*not* an improvement. The terrified girl had stolen a sheet from a 
small table stand, just barely enough to wrap around her loins and 
tucked up so her passenger wouldn't be able to climb inside as easily. 
    Happosai was, for his part, having the grope of his lifetime. He'd 
not had so much fun since the last time he'd disguised himself as a bar 
of soap in a women's resort bath. 
    One arm over her chest, the other trying futilely to dislodge the 
ancient master of her avowed school from getting in places where he 
shouldn't be, trying at the same time to outrun Kuno and the 
ever-growing crowd of perverted boys who were following her, Akane 
burst into a crowded fair and saw before her the source of ALL her 
woes! 
    "RA... 
    Punt!!! 
    Ukyo and Shampoo had beatific looks on their faces as Ranma lowered 
his foot. Finally, he was defending *them* from outside interruptions! 
Then they paused and glared sparks at each other across his chest. he 
saw this and looked disapproving, and both girls were instantly 
contrite and well-behaved, smiling back at him as they moved off to 
their next attraction of the day. 
    In the background, Akane, wearing only a brief scrap of cloth that 
looked somewhat like a diaper, crashed through the roof of another 
local martial arts competition. 
    Happosai, having been finally knocked off as his patient, err, 
victim received her dose of Atomic Stratosphere Kick, fell lightly to 
the ground on the balls of his feet and saw the burned and abused Lost 
Boy stuck in an alleyway next to an empty kettle of water, trying 
rather gingerly to remove the wooden spike from his posterior. 
    Still not having felt he'd gained sufficient revenge, Happosai 
landed on the Lost Boy's head and branded a mark into Ryoga's back 
using a hot coal in the end of his pipe. 
    "WHY YOU!!???" Ryoga screamed in a high-pitched tinny voice, only 
to find his hands full of a camera. 
    Happosai calmly smoked his pipe. "You'll replace my photo 
collection with pictures of Akane undressed or you'll squeal even 
higher still, piggy." 
    Ryoga raised the camera high above his head to smash it against the 
ground in rage. 
    "AND I'll tell Akane all about her pet pig." Happosai calmly 
completed, smoking in stoic dignity, not concerned at all. 
    Ryoga had frozen into a man-sized icicle, with blue frost covering 
his flesh. Penguins played on and about him. 

    Tatewaki Kuno came to a stop in the fair park, wondering where his 
beloved had gone. Then, realizing that he was missing his favorite TV 
show, decided to end the race and seek out his true loves later. 
    Today's episode of Skysaber had him entering a new season, where he 
was supposed to drive the evil from the Evangelion universe! Surely 
such a quest was worthy for the eyes of so powerful a samurai! Besides, 
everyone was wondering how the most revered superspy would *do* it! 
Checking the time he realized there would be no way to make his home 
before the opening credits and came to the next most expedient 
location. 
    Azusa Shiratori came to the same conclusion and sped home as well. 

    Nabiki came downstairs, looking morose and even unwell. "Kasumi," 
she addressed her older sister without looking up. "We may be in 
trouble. My files are all gone." 
    Kasumi looked up from her laundry. "You mean those..." 
    "Yes, *THOSE*!" Nabiki corrected, putting what she felt was the 
proper emphasis upon this. This was a catastrophe of the highest order, 
in her mind. 
    Kasumi stood worried for a moment. 
    "I'll go talk with mother about it." 
    Nabiki thought of the shrine in their dojo and had to admire her 
sister's simple faith, but this was a moment for practicality. It was 
an emergency. "Kasumi, she's dead. She can't hear you." 
    Kasumi stopped, honestly shocked. "Dead?" 
    Whatever she was about to say was cut off as Nabiki strongly 
interrupted. "You know, our father is always talking about 'his dear, 
departed wife', or 'your departed mother'. How long does it take to 
sink in that mom's not able to help us anymore?" 
    Kasumi shook her head. "Nabiki, mother isn't dead, she's just 
departed. She lives three blocks down and one street over." The eldest 
sister cocked her head at the younger. "You mean you honestly didn't 
know all these years?" The homemaker put a finger to her lips in 
confusion. "I guess that would explain why you never go visit her." 
    "Wha..." Nabiki's jaw was exploring Antarctica and she began having 
the mother of all bad hair days. 
    Kasumi put a comforting hand on her sister's shoulder, speaking 
wisely to instruct her. "Nabiki, you know our father is a very kind 
man, but he's also an overemotional lunatic. Our mother couldn't take 
his excesses or grandfather Happosai's advances anymore so she moved 
out. You even helped with her packing. Of course father went off the 
deep end and I guess you were still very little and got confused when 
he held a funeral and made that silly shrine during one of his 
episodes. But didn't her visits do anything to help?" 
    "Bu....." The middle Tendo's shoulders had slumped so far it was a 
wonder her shirt didn't slide off to pool on the floor. 
    "Of course she'd stopped wearing kimonos, and her perfume was 
different, and she was wearing a wig and glasses so that father 
wouldn't recognize her and get loopy all over again. But I honestly 
thought you knew." 
    "But..." Nabiki's eyes rolled crazily in different directions. 
    "I mean we had practically every one of our birthdays at her house, 
and she was the one who gave us all our 'becoming a woman' talks, and 
she's helped with our homework in elementary and middle school, and 
gave you your first yoga classes..." 
    Kasumi stopped speaking when Nabiki collapsed to a heap on the 
floor. 

    It came time to serve the dinner rush, so both chefs bid Ranma a 
fond farewell and went their separate ways to go do what they did for a 
living - cook some of the best food in Japan. 
    As Ukyo and Shampoo left him, alone in the park with a mile-wide 
grin on his face, Ranma began wondering why he'd ever thought his life 
was hard. 

    Kasumi closed the door behind them, having woken her sister with a 
bucket of cold water (well, she *had* said this was an emergency), and 
now the two were both walking in concert down the road to a certain 
house. Kasumi was explaining along the way. 
    "Mother had a bad year about the time I was entering High School, 
so she had to go teach at an all-boys middle school to make up the 
difference. Two of her students that year were Ukyo and Tsubasa." 
    "*Ukyo* knows our mother!??" 
    "Yah, that's right. I do." Said chef appeared, having overheard the 
two sisters talking. She crossed her arms behind her back. "That's odd. 
What's with the shocked look? I'm sure she told you, right?" 
    "Nabiki didn't know our mother was alive, Ukyo." 
    "No way! She lives only a few blocks from your house. I've seen you 
pass by there visiting." Ukyo cocked her head aside at the oddity of 
Nabiki telling such an obvious lie, and trying to imagine what the 
point of it could be. 
    Kasumi shook her head, seeing how Nabiki was too shocked to 
respond. "No, now that I think of it, she doesn't go there to see 
mother. She only goes by that way to school and to see her friends. I 
always thought it was odd..." 
    "That's weird, alright." Ukyo agreed. "You mean you and I spend two 
afternoons out of every three days with your mother and Nabiki didn't 
even know she lives? I thought she was better informed than that." 
    "So did I." Kasumi nodded. 
    Nabiki was anchored to the spot, unable to move, barely able to 
speak. "You mean to say all this has been going on for years and this 
is the first I heard of it??!" 
    Her elder sister shook her head, disagreeing. "Nabiki, you know how 
many times I've asked you to go see mother." 
    "I KNOW!" The frazzled girl replied, screaming the word in 
distress. "But I always thought you meant to go light incense at the 
shrine or something! I even did that a few times - not that I could 
ever tell that it did any good!" 
    "Well of course not, sugar. How could it? She isn't dead." Ukyo 
interjected. 
    "AND HOW DO YOU KNOW HER!!?" Nabiki's calm facade had shattered, as 
she turned on the chef. 
    Ukyo backed up a step, raising her arm. "Sheesh, you don't have to 
get so jumpy. I met her in middle school. I heard Kasumi tell you that. 
She was the one who wrote to tell me that Ranchan had moved to this 
neighborhood. Why did you think I came here? You think I was trying to 
run into him by accident? How do you think I could've sent challenge 
letters if I didn't already know they were here?" 
    Nabiki's jaw grew slack, lacking answers to that question. 
    "Even Ranma sees her practically every school day. I know, I've 
heard you mention it." Kasumi kindly instructed, wonder how her sibling 
could've been so ignorant. 
    "Mention it?" The younger daughter croaked. 
    "Yah." Ukyo casually rocked on her heels, studying her. "She 
splashes him with holy water every day, trying to exercise the demons 
that are haunting him and making his life so hard. I know. I've helped 
her buy a few buckets. She gets it from a shrine in Juuban." 
    Nabiki was shaking her head, trying to reclaim reality. "No! That's 
not possible! That is a shriveled up old woman! There's no way our real 
mother can be that old!!!" 
    Kasumi covered her own face with a hand to help keep inside the 
laugh that wanted to squeeze out. "Nabiki, I don't know how to say 
this. You don't even remember playing dress up with mother when you 
were young? I have pictures of you, five years old and looking for all 
the world like a fifty year old hippy, a teenage boy, and some of your 
favorite muppets. She's always been a master of disguise. How do you 
think father could lose her so completely when she still lived so 
near?" 
    "Yah." Ukyo agreed wholeheartedly. "And who do you think Tsubasa 
learned *his* techniques from? That's stuffs too advanced for him to 
have invented the school. You ought to know those kind of achievements 
only come through training refined by generations. Of course, he's a 
moron, so she stopped teaching him partway through the basics. He did 
all the things she taught him stupidly, so that's the reason she gave 
for dumping him. But she confided to me later it was mostly 'cause he 
was using it to become such a blotch on my life." 
    "Mother always did look on you as another daughter, Ukyo." Kasumi 
kindly added with a bright and friendly smile. 
    "Yeah, well." Said chef blushed and got embarrassed, looking away. 
    For the second time that day Nabiki rolled up her eyes and fainted. 

    From a house not far from Furinkan High School the yard gate opened 
and let forth two figures, a boy and a much older woman, approximately 
the age of the boy's mother. 
    "Thank you for coming, Tatewaki. I hope you enjoyed the television 
show, and you know you are always welcome. Keep practicing, I know if 
you keep trying your calligraphy will improve to the point where that 
girl will certainly go out with you." 
    Tatewaki Kuno bowed his head at the exact amount of respect 
deserved here. "I appreciate your words of comfort, sensei. I will be 
diligent in my studies." 
    Kimiko smiled at the young man. "I know. I just can't imagine your 
grace and dignity haven't already impressed her. Perhaps she is the one 
unworthy of *you.*" 
    Tatewaki looked aside regretfully. "Alas, my fierce tigress knows 
no other who might tame her. I remain bound. If only I was like 
Skysaber, who always knows the answer." 
    Kimiko increased the intensity of her smile. "Dear student, if a 
girl goes from avoiding you day in and out to throwing herself naked on 
you and sneaking panties into your kitchen, I'm afraid she's not likely 
to be a good wife. She sounds too emotionally uncontrolled." 
    Tatewaki bowed his head again. "I shall consider what you say. 
Farewell, till our next lesson, sensei." 
    "Farewell." Kimiko closed the compound gate on his departing back 
and leaned against it, sighing heavily. "Such a dear, well-mannered 
boy." She got up, shaking her head. "But I know well how important 
stability is. I can't, in good conscience, not warn him off a girl who 
seems so out of control." 
    She started off to her walled garden. "At least he could tell me 
what her name is. I could go to her mother and give her a good talking 
to." 
    Azusa poked her head out of her upstairs room. "Is he gone, 
mother?" 
    Kimiko pulled a smile out of nowhere to shine on her wonderful 
daughter. "Yes, dear. You can come down now, we're having supper in 
just a few minutes. You'll want to freshen up. Though I *still* don't 
see what is wrong with that boy. You could make a very cute couple 
together, if you were interested." 
    Azusa Shiratori slid down the bannister and flipped to a halt. 
"He's not very good at gymnastics, and he doesn't skate." 
    Kimiko laid a hand on her remaining daughter's arm. "Dear, I've 
taught you everything I know about skating but one thing, when you 
begin to have children it gets alot harder. Some day when you're 
married you'll realize there's things more important." 
    Azusa shrugged, setting approximately five pounds of curls 
bouncing. "All the more important! That means if little-Azusa doesn't 
get a skating husband, our children will *never* learn what fun it is!" 

    The door rolled open in the Tendo compound. Soun looked up, 
wondering only if it were his friend, and where dinner was. 
    Instead, Yuka entered, escorting a displeased and dilapidated Akane 
who was wearing only a diaper and a baby blanket. Alongside them both 
was a little kid, a boy of about age five - or three, who looked like a 
total troublemaker. 
    "Well now, what's this?" Soun asked, breathing out smoke from his 
cigarette that Kasumi would go into fits about if she didn't have 
zen-like self control. 
    Akane growled something *extremely* unkind. 
    "Potty Mouth! Potty Mouth!!" 
    Yuka shrugged, glaring at the kid who'd just shouted down Akane's 
latest retort to this extremely outrageous turn of events. "Apparently 
Akane fell in the middle of this competition and began throwing a fit. 
As I understand it, by doing so she accidentally won a Martial Art of 
Childishness tournament and so has to be this kid's bride." 
    Where did her friend get into all these messes? 
    Soun's cigarette fell out of his mouth. 
  

Author's Notes: 
    Ah, me! hehehehehe!! Oh, the glory! The GOODNESS of it all! Being 
able to turn back again all the stuff that happens to the good guys in 
other stories, and have it hit the guilty parties for once. There can 
be nothing so sweet as justice well-deserved!