Shampoo's Revenge 

Part 4 

by Jared Ornstead

=====

    "This is all that pervert's fault." Akane groused to herself as 
she'd finally found a room, offered to her by this nice man, and was 
gradually peeling off the layers of muck, dried kelp, chains, tuna 
labels and her ruined dress with the aim of getting thorns out of a 
certain tender part of her body. 
    The door slid open. 
    The nice man who'd offered a room to her stood there wearing an 
outfit not dissimilar to the abbreviated leather thong worn by Naga in 
Slayers. He snapped the leather whip in his hands to the accompanying 
tinkling of the bells which hung from his nipple rings. "Ah, my 
precious pet. You must not do your own unwrapping. That pleasure 
belongs to your master." 
    "Mommy." Akane wept. 

    "So that's when she was saved by this freak explosion. Luckily it 
knocked them both out and her grandfather came and carried her away." 
Yuka told Sayuri over the phone. 
    "Wait." Sayuri told her back, making a connection. "Isn't her 
grandfather Happosai?" 
     "Um, yah. But think of what that other pervert would've done." 
Yuka said. 
    "There's a difference? I'm surprised the ancient lecher isn't there 
taking advantage of her right now." Sayuri's voice came over the phone. 
    Yuka blushed. "Um. I think he would, but right now he's off getting 
the photographs developed and buying albums to put them in. Apparently 
he *really* enjoyed saving her." 
    "I'll bet." Sayuri snorted. 
    Yuka turned to where she could see her friend asleep on her bed. 
The Tendo girl all washed and prettied and... in the most provocative 
lingerie imaginable, wearing makeup from head to toe. "Yah, but think 
of the alternative! And he was happy to get the thorns out. That has to 
mean something." 
    "No doubt." Sayuri's opinions were obvious on this, and negative. 
    Yuka rolled her eyes, even though her friend couldn't see it. 
"Okay, so she's been groped a little. The alternative was worse than 
death!" 

    Soun and Genma crept forward on their knees. "Master," Soun sobbed. 
"Please, tell us are the police going to be aware of this? Should we be 
packing for a long trip? Say, to Antarctica?" 
    Happosai sat with a ridiculously pleased expression on his face, 
sitting with a block of ice tied to the top of his VERY red face and 
half melting as steam escaped the corners as he tried to avoid burning 
to death from his happy flush. Clasped in his hands were the claim 
tickets for forty seven rolls of film at the local one hour developer. 
    His grin did nothing to fade. "No boys, there's no danger to you in 
this. Now go away. You're interrupting." 
    Both fathers bowed and scraped and backed out, not rising from 
their knees. 
    "Do you think we should be preparing for a paternity suit against 
the Master, Tendo?" 
    "You know as well as I do that his kendo is all hands and no blade, 
Saotome. Still, I've not seen him like this since he stowed away on 
that cruise ship full of supermodels. Who do you think he got this 
time?" 
    "No idea, Tendo. Maybe he found a beautiful girl with a sex drive 
as great as *his* is?" 
    "Not possible, Saotome." 

    "Achoo!" Kasumi rubbed her nose and wondered what had caused the 
sudden sneeze. She went back to sharpening the asparagus spears she'd 
made for her crossbow, humming happily. 
    Meanwhile, the roof settled back on the house. 
    It had been *quite* a sneeze. 

    Hiroshi cried tears of joy and wept his gratitude that his mother 
had insisted that he get the school's permission to get a part time 
job. He was planning offerings at every shrine he could find soon. 
    But right now he had to develop forty seven rolls of film that had 
been dropped off only just a few minutes before at the one hour 
developing shack in which he worked. Right off he keyed the machine for 
sixty copies from each roll. Then he'd copy the negatives. 
    Daisuke would never forgive him if he blew this chance. 

    Ranma cowered beneath a bridge, awaiting doom should either of his 
fiancees find him. He wasn't *trying* to get them mad, but felt sure 
after his last mistake putting his hands on their chests that his doom 
was shortly to come upon him. 
    It was right there, in the center of that thought, that he paused a 
second. Only long enough to wonder where it came from and why it was so 
certain they would hate him, when there suddenly appeared two bouncy 
chefs under his bridge and glomped him from either side with lots of 
joy and affection. 
    As he was accepting their love and support a tiny, file keeping 
neuron in the back of his brain took the 'be terrified of women' 
thought, labeled it 'irrelevant data' and sent it off to be shredded. 
    Shampoo and Ukyo were already hauling him off to share ice cream. 

    Nabiki smirked and picked up the phone. It was time she acted on 
the heavy thinking she'd been doing lately. Namely, Ranma, the supreme 
martial arts god of her generation, had less ties to her family than 
his income generating opportunities warranted. There were the potential 
movie contracts, the definite value of the tournament circuit and the 
not-to-be-overlooked street fights with their lucrative betting and 
prizes. All the boy needed was a manager who knew how to take advantage 
of opportunities. 
    Like her. 
    No, there was one hot dog with a generous amount of mustard and 
there was no reason not to relish it. 
    She dialed the number from the phone book, thinking back on why 
both she and her sister had turned him down that first night he'd 
arrived. That was a stain on their honor they'd tried to repay by 
housing him and his father all this time. Worse, it left the other 
girls with a much stronger claim. 
    The matter of Ukyo's engagement to Ranma had less to do with honor 
and more to do with law. They'd made a contract, in which Ranma as 
Ukyo's groom was the payment to Kuonji and the okanomiyaki yattai was 
payment to Genma. Genma took his reward, 'spent' it, then took off 
without any intention of fulfilling his part of the bargain. There's 
more than just honor to satisfy here. The fact that Kuonji hit on one 
of Genma's weak spots was irrelevant, since Genma, as the 'responsible, 
upstanding parent who only wants to do what is best for his son', was 
responsible for his son's welfare, and squandered it for food. 
    The phone began to ring on the other end. 
    Ukyo could be dealt with later. She was a tricky problem and tricky 
problems took time to unravel. But of course, there was some 
competition Nabiki felt she could be rid of fairly easily. The rest 
would soon be gone,  leaving the Tendo claim as the only active, valid 
one. So its relative weakness wouldn't matter. 
    The ringing came to an end and the phone on the other end was 
picked up. "Hello, Immigration? Nabiki asked, smiling. "I'd like to 
report some Chinese that entered this country illegally." 

    Ryoga was sitting in a park, feeling miserable. This was nothing 
unusual, he did it all the time. What's more, he'd made it a part of 
his art form. This was a kid who went seriously into his depression 
with an aim toward perfecting the technique. 
    Unfortunately, his head was down so he didn't see his arch rival 
Ranma, with Ukyo and Shampoo fluttering gladly around him like birds, 
walk by right behind him. Their own gaze was taken by each other and 
their line of sight blocked by a convenient bush. 
    Ryoga sighed hopelessly, which caused a small girl who saw him 
start to cry, which caused the father whose leg she backed into to 
start, which caused a scoop of ice cream to fall from the cone he was 
busy buying from a vendor, which made a splat, which caused little 
drops of strawberry ice cream to spatter the dress of the young woman 
who'd been bending down to comfort the young girl, which made her drop 
her purse (from which she'd been taking a napkin), which spilled her 
keys, which made a jangling noise upon falling that caught the 
attention of one Azusa Shiratori who had been passing by, causing this 
young figure skating legend to rivet her attention on a balloon which 
that same ice cream vendor was also selling. Seeing it made her think 
it was cute, which caused her to want to acquire it, which made her 
skate in that direction, incidentally cutting off a boy named 
Gosunkugi, who had been returning home with a loaded bag from the local 
occult bookshop, which made a book fall open, which caused the ink to 
run when Azusa skated *back* over it, spilling soft drinks in her haste 
to gleefully escape the startled vendor, which in turn set up a chain 
reaction which would destroy the entire universe. 
    Thankfully, it was averted by a simple mistake on Gosunkugi's part 
where he merely cast it wrong and turned it into a curse which would 
render Ryoga impotent and cause him to acquire an intolerable case of 
fleas. The miscast spell would also destroy the book in a small lab 
fire. So, on the whole, the disaster was much smaller than it might've 
been. 
    Ryoga sighed again, startling another young girl who'd been 
watching the first set of parents trying to clean up and comfort the 
first girl, and started the cycle all over again. 

    Ranma sat under a tree on a lovely park bench, with a girl to 
either side feeding him licks from their ice cream cones. 
    Life was grand. 
    "Tee Hee!" Azusa skated right across the trio's bench, trailing a 
pretty panda balloon on a string as she giggled. 
    ***BOOM!!*** 
    Azusa *stared* in shocked dismay at the remnants of her pretty 
balloon falling in bits around her in a colorful display. Ranma and the 
two girls with him were up and shivering. No one had seen it but Ranma, 
but to him it'd been clear the panda balloon had exploded *before* 
they'd heard the noise. 
    Then a British guy wearing a safari outfit and sprouting a 
handlebar mustache came up out of nowhere, leaning up to inspect the 
shattered remnants of the balloon. With one hand the gentleman was 
rubbing his chin and in the other he held a high power rifle, leaned 
casually with its stock on the ground. 
    "Hmm..." The Britisher finished his inspection, looking up in a 
paternal way at Azusa. "Terribly sorry to trouble you. I saw a panda 
and just *had* to take a shot at it. Bit of a knee-jerk reaction, one 
might say. Oh, how deucedly unsportsmanlike of me! I should have 
stalked it for days. Would have saved all this mess of startling a 
little girl like this." 
    The brown-haired Englishman patted Azusa affectionately on the 
head. "There, there little girl. Don't trouble yourself. I'll have you 
a new balloon in moments." He vanished, then was back in the blink of 
an eye, casually handing the skater a pretty pink bear balloon. "There, 
you see? All's well that ends well, wot?" 
    "Who... who are you??" Ranma stammered out, still terrified of the 
man's casual use and possession of a rifle. 
    The Englishman hefted the weapon to port arms. "I am Sir Wilfred 
Hapsbey, late of Her Majesty's Armed Forces, Jungle Division. And by 
the way, you wouldn't happen to have seen a panda about, would you?" 
    "What??" Stammered a still terrified Ranma. 
    "A panda." The Britisher reiterated. "Big, bear looking like 
creature native to China, black and white markings, eats bamboo, 
relative of the koala. You haven't seen one about, have you?" 
    "Why are you looking for it?" Ukyo asked, seeing Ranma was too 
terrified to speak. 
    The Englishman twirled his moustache in delight. "Ah! So you've 
seen it." He took out a notebook, made mark of the date and place, then 
licked the tip of his pen and stood ready to transcribe the whole 
encounter. "Let's see, native confirms animal sighted in the area... 
Mention of beast tends to frighten local villagers..." He slapped the 
notebook closed, returning it to one of his many pockets. 
    Then man swept off his hat and made a grand, but totally inadequate 
(a difference of opinion as to *which* was the superior and inferior 
culture here) bow to the Japanese four. "I have been invited here to 
clear up a spot of trouble concerning the beast. It seems that it is 
responsible for a small rash of crimes." He produced a small list, 
which unfolded, unrolling until its other end vanished into the brush. 
The mustache twirled as the Englishman read it once again, shaking his 
head. With a flick of the wrist the list was refolded and tucked primly 
back into one of many pockets. "Mostly petty crimes, food theft and 
what. But there's no small count of assaults witnessed. The British 
Ambassador was in the area and overheard a few of your constables 
talking about it and made the offer of my assistance." 
    Sir Wilfred smoothed one end of his mustache. "You see, my family 
has been rather interested in big game hunting since early last 
century. I was brought up on it. You might say we've made something of 
an art out of that martial sport." The Englishman proclaimed proudly, 
puffing his chest somewhat. Then he glanced about. "But while we've 
bagged a trophy set unrivaled in all of London; bears, elephants, 
tigers and whatnot, there's still one thing been missing from our 
collection. They've been a protected species for the longest time and 
we were frankly about to give up on ever acquiring one when the 
Ambassador, who is an old friend of the family, made the call. 
Naturally we were only too *delighted* to respond! The matter's been 
set clear with your government and I'm here to rid you of one 
troublesome beast and put the head of a panda in a place of honor in my 
family's trophy hall. I say! Is that a sighting? Cheerio!" 
    The Englishman was gone. 

    Genma pranced down the street happily, holding a tank of piranha 
under one big, furry arm. Earlier that day he'd stolen a few dozen 
barracuda, some lampreys, and this big alligator named Mr. Green 
Turtle. Very soon now he'd be able to train Akane in the secret 
technique that ought to cure her of her irrational fear of swimming! 
    He was so clever, thinking of it all by himself, too. Wouldn't Soun 
be surprised? 
    No one could say what warned him. But at the very last second the 
panda ducked and the roadway behind him shattered under the force of a 
bullet from a big game hunting rifle. 
    The panda stood staring in blank incomprehension at the shattered 
concrete, until some primal impulse clued in that he was in danger and 
he was scrambling inside of a local bath house before an Englishman 
could say "Drat it all!" 

    "Dang it! Ucchan, I gotta save my pop!" 
    "Why?" 
    "Huh?" The question, so honestly and simply asked, stopped him, but 
only for a moment. "Because he's my pop, that's why!" 
    "So what?" Ukyo blinked at him, shrugging and tossing her hair back 
out of her eyes. "I mean, look at what the guy's done to you. Think for 
a second. I mean, he treats you more like a worst enemy than a parent." 
    "Well, yah, but..." Ranma's lunge to get away had stopped and he 
was rubbing at the back of his head. 
    Ukyo shrugged deliciously again. "And the guy's practically my 
father-in-law and look what he did to *me!* 
    "Uhm..." Ranma had hoped that he could ignore that question, but 
since she brought it up... 
    Shampoo had been eying her husband with a very intelligent 
appraisal. "Airen? What problems you have can no be traced back to 
panda?" She asked innocently. 
    Ranma stood like a poleaxed steer. 
    He opened his mouth... closed it. 
    Open... ~curse~ close... 
    Open... ~fear of cats~ close... 
    Open... closed. 
    The teenaged martial artist stood with a very helpless expression 
and wide eyes. 

    Happosai hopped gleefully along the road. What might be said more 
accurately was that he floated along, born up by his glee and shining 
eyes, clutching his claim tickets and a stolen watch in his hands. 
    It was almost time. 

    Ryoga wandered around, feeling depressed, a box of souvenirs 
clutched to his heartbroken chest. He'd finally found the Tendo home, 
after only days of searching! But to turn his good luck into ash Ranma 
had somehow bought off Nabiki and now Akane's older sisters were both 
in league against him! 
    Nabiki had lied with a straight face that she *had* no younger 
sister! 
    When he'd found a way in and confronted Kasumi, that girl had been 
practicing with a naginata - slicing onions at a dozen paces!! The 
weapon didn't even reach that far! She said something about having been 
taught by Kuno-san before she'd graduated and left the kendo club to 
take care of her family. But what broke his heart was that she asked 
him is he could teach her a few moves to attack Akane with when she 
arrived back home. 
    Finding himself lost on a street, his only reference point some 
photo shack, Ryoga leaned back and let his aura explode in a blazing 
inferno of depression. 
    "RANMA! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!" 
    The area around him exploded. 

    Happosai stared with tear-filled eyes as the one hour developing 
booth exploded right before he could reach it, burning chemicals and 
bits of paper thrown about, shredded by the blast. 
    In less than a second the ancient martial arts master was in, 
trying to save what he could - but there was nothing. So he hauled out 
some boy who had a glazed expression, staring in utter dismay at his 
empty hands, and put him down outside the blast. 
    Then the lecher began looking for culprits. 
    "RA....." he said, expecting the obvious. Then he caught a boy 
inhaling to shout out that same syllable. 
    "YOU!!!" Happosai cried, seeing the Lost Boy smashing apart a 
postal bin, ablaze with depression which matched the all-important 
shop-devouring blast. The old freak cried as he began trembling with 
rage. "How *dare* you spoil an old man's happiness?" 
    Ryoga looked at him, then away again, uninterested. Happosai was 
Ranma's fault and problem, like everything else. "Go away, pervert. I'm 
not interested in anything a lazy and useless old man like you has to 
say." 
    Happosai went ablaze with a house-sized aura of anger. 
    "DIE!!!!!" 
  

--------- 

(pleased sigh, then laughter) 

    Hmm, what say ye? Does it look like bad luck is haunting those who 
usually generate it for Ranma? 

    That may be. 

    Ah, me. I LOVE this fic!